How are you feeling right now?
Right now Im floating through the days in a daze not sure what to do next in my life. I haven’t even been writing in my journal. Just suppressing my feelings waiting for better moment but then I’m like what’s better but after being homeless six years better is the home I’m searching for. Well, hoping comes to me in some divine miraculous fashion summoned by God. And so I’ve just been floating along I try to keep track of my daily routine which I just started because before I got to this shelter I wasn’t showering everyday like I can now. And a lot of the environment I’m around now reminds me of jail. It’s not as loud but upon first thing waking up on the morning there’s an encounter with another person an it’s close in compact. And just because people are there in the same situation doesnt make everyone the same like people are constantly staring or trying to bump into you on purpose. So I probably have been supressing how I feel and being distracted by the little noises and sounds around me too much that it feels like uncomfortable to even read because you feel watched you feel seen.
Then on top of that, not only are you constantly around people who you don’t know who’s watching your move, who has enough time to huddle towards you climbing off the bed like in general population but I was hardly ever in general population where there’s 100 or so beds and everybody’s just up in everybody’s face. How can you feel inspired by this. You have to inspire yourself. And having to remember that these others are from anywhere all over the Streets like where I used to be out all night everyday. So the behavior patterns are similar and territorial and aggressive and dealing with this type of people on a daily basis is traumatic. Living amongst people who don’t know you let alone the least care for your advancement or the work that it actually takes to not let the pettiness and low vibrational energy people like them emit and remind myself that their insecurities are not my own and that I don’t have to make them feel safe. Who knows when they’ll have Courage to blossom to be and interact in a healthy matter and be kind even you’re not in the wrong. It’s more than just about being seen or trying to seem sociable or pretty. Because if you’re pretty with no attitude you don have to bump into other chicks on purpose. I mean if their not envious their bored, but where am I to go right now from here.
Feeling like I need to take a total detox but there’s hardly any quiet time. And this week in my online studies the discussion this week is overcoming challenges that might be faced and how can I be a successful student from the experiences I’ve overcame before in work or school how I can apply that knowledge to present situations. So this whole time me being homeless I can pretty much adjust anywhere. The Streets there’s cars and traffic, waking up strangers touching you attacking you, there’s paranoia and noise, jails there’s echoes and others people’s trauma that you cannot turn off so mentally I’ve been having to endure that. And you have to hold on to yourself and keep the faith because it’s noisy and distracting and also traumatizing. And so I have to get myself motivated to keep writing to do something positive with my feelings other than holding it in because I didn’t go through this for nothing. And the main thing is figuring out what I’m doing. And no one can tell me this and my growth with all this other stuff around me it’s like I have to know what’s me and what’s definitely not. Sounds and noises included. How somebody is acting or feeling is not how I should feel towards myself at any moment. My own thoughts are my own. I have things I want to achieve in life and it’s not all about a degree. And it’s it’s not about competition with strangers on the street or anybody what am I doing with this story.
All I can say is self care is my favorite thing to do. I love pampering my skin. Instead of wishing for weekly deep issue massages I just want to go and do it. I don’t really know how I’m feeling. But I’m grateful for health and I’m still going. People really do be envious of me out here on these streets though. And it’s almost like they expect me to supress my light so they can feel comfortable. I mean imglagine the Homeless shelter you got elderly disabled and then here’s a beautiful young black girl with meat on her bones weighing over two hundreds pbs. . M
Witheverywhere 