Tag Archives: anxiety

Surviving the Streets and your Mental Health | Broke and Loneliness | Anxiety and Depression from the Library

In so tired of these any and every bodies out here. It’s like if you are trying to get something going for yourself you gots to filter and suck and dodge everybody else that’s out here. If you’re smart you should already know who and what who isn’t good for you out here. Crackhead fucker that doesn’t… what was I saying because I just went to the restroom at the library…

Yeah, but it’s just so annoying because you every type of anybody out here. You can sit up here be nice, cordial, kind, and all that but you can’t always guarantee that the next person is just off over here by you on good intentions. Now, to keep up with the law of attraction I mean you can’t be conjuring up bad thoughts. On top of that with whatever you’re dealing with you have to be positive about. Even though you know this hype, most like fentanyl smoking addict is over by here by the bus top looking for drugs or either trying to fuck with you because it’s already high or fucked up.

Now, if you’re lucky enough to have a car or an apt, even if you’re low on funds, going to a job you hate, hey, at lost you’re not out here exposed to the dangers the worries the uncomfortably of being out here with strangers. And too if you’re not black because it’s like they still subtlety trying to make shit hard for black people. And so it’s noticing all this shit, having to deal with it and still trying to find somewhere to live l, I mean it’s set up to set you over the edges

You don’t have any friends. Your family can’t help because I mean I come from good people, one of my parents was an addict and I know for a fact it’s been not used in over twenty years. And that family member is near and dear to me and still had more sense than a lot of these fiends out here thinking somebody just supposed to come by and lift them all the way up, care so much, to where they’re not homeless, people aren’t treating them left out because they’re black, I mean it’s irrational.

So you got these people out here in competition with each other. But the only somebody a bitch at circle k can ‘compete’ with is another bitch at circle k. Because any bitch that’s got anything going for herself you gon try your best to avoid unnecessary areas and you already know what type of people hang out at circle k. They don’t even have quality products it’s just high as hell like 7-eleven. So, you know you black, got on bum clothes cause you haven’t showered in a week or so, then you come up in here and these bitches just got up out the bed, probably off today l, like anybody is supposed to know that, but this bitch think that, and whatever the fuck it might the thinking who cares because the bitch on fetnyal anyway, so it’s like, they get big chested and want to put on a whole show for thé block girl.

Everybody wants to show you how they don’t like you. Black dudes look at the light skinned and Mexican girls instead. Even if the bitch sitting off on the curb, broke, they’ll give tu is bitch ‘courtesy attention’ like if this shit was about courtesy attention, it a be a bunch of millionaires out here tryna get everybody off the the streets for free. Since not bitch, you gotta hustle, and you gotta know what’s right and good for you. If you don’t you better tap into your intuition.

People out here not shit. And I’m dealing with it from allow vantage point, right now. I don’t have nobody taking me in, I don’t have a hotel room or even a stable job right now. I can’t even deal with emotionally working around these type of people for 8 hours because they be tryna make shit harder than it needs to be for 8 hours. It’s a little cooler if you in Atlanta and it’s more black people than hating ass evil Mexicans but you don’t want o be out there without no car either. Because those trains and buses be where bums at, going nowhere, people mad starting shit and the people working there just like the people on the streets and they live drama. They live sending a mf off with no justice, ohh this person bumped into you there’s nothing we can do, but let you have a hammer l, let you have a gun, what now? I can resolve this shit, then you gotta deal with part work and questioning, but everybody’s blind eyed to these nobodies out here fucking with people.

I can’t stand the sight of a fucking bum. And I’m not tryna block my blessings by talking about this shit and how much it bothers me. I hate bums I can’t stand people out here, they ain’t no help, it’s certain people you meet with certain clothes on, it’s nothing but addicts out here at the street. All the neighborhood mfs out here, everybody wanna seem like they run the block, all out here in punk ass Phoenix, it’s not city like where I’m from, and even still I don’t feel comfortable sleeping out on the sidewalks.

I don’t want these mfs walking around me at 1-3 in the morning, cause all they doing is looking for somebody to fuck with and steal. Who the fuck wants to be bothered with these type of people? Sure the drug dealers live em, but I mean really nobody wants to be bothered with no fucked drugged out mindless fucking fiend. Even sitting on the train a few stops of too fucking long to be around people like that. They be talking to voices and all type of shit them want somebody to feel that misery with them. Then they wanna hop in front of you to feel seems and all this shit, ok Hollywood next state over, cause you not shit out here. And it’s so annoying. To where of you not out there at the temp agency at 4am all the vrackheads get the work assignments and then you wait all day til the next day with no money for weed, your only drug of choice, don’t want no alcohol and you out here broke with no friends, and nowhere to hide, and these high broke people around you. No inspiration just straight bullshit. Cause if it’s not a bum it’s a mf walking j’y thinking they trying supposed to be so apparent and noticed and just because tu eu have on what looks like clean clothes everybody supposed to know they not homeless, everybody just supposed to guess. But fuck that mf too. Cause the only way you seeing this mf is on the train. So everybody else off in the cars doesn’t see this person, so how important is that non factor ? See, that’s what I’m saying.

So I may be dealing with anxiety and depression and not even know it. Cause that just can’t sit up here and be a problem and all that would make me feel calm is being in my house comfortable locking my door and not coming out or being bothered until I want to. After five years of straight homelessness I mean, fuck what anybody else has going on, at this point I’m selfish l, like completely. Ain’t nobody helping me or guiding me to do shit. Trying to pray and keep faith and yet still encountering these demons still with nowhere to call home, perfectly healthy. Then I mean mad ass disabled people out here arguing and shit like damn all I said excuse did you have an extra dollar, you mad cause you don’t have two legs, hmm maybe I don’t have as much problem after all!

So it’s like, after losing so many journals, my writings mean a lot to me because I don’t have friends. You can see this is why I blog. I think if I talk about this on YouTube people wouldn’t really relate because it’s like you have a job, a family, real support. Out here with nothing nobody l, everybody is against you. Everybody’s tryna use you,”. After all you’re your on person. It’s not cool being stabbed by a narcissist. How do you explain it’s not because you didn’t do anything but because that person is a narcissistic. Like I have no journals. After five years of homelessness this should be a academy award winning movie right now. A best selling book man. Do you realize how much this situation takes out of you?

You don’t even want to sit at the fucking library anymore because it’s nothing but a fucking motel for all the homeless mfs out here. You don’t want to sit at the park because they’re all on drugs, broke, probably live around there but lonely, same type of ain’t shit ain’t got shit type of people. You don’t see nobody reading or really joyful or having a good time. Then you don’t want nobody tryna come over and disturb what little good you can find to yourself. So it’s depressing. The doctors don’t care l. They just like the mfs at circle k, just want a check. Ain’t nobody loving on you or touching on you right, on your period and haven’t showered now you’re hot, mad and bleeding 🩸, just ugh.

So it’s only 1pm right now, I really don’t care. Temp agency opens at 4am tomorrow. Though the Google maps ad says 5… I got there at 6 today………

Surviving Homelessness with a Prupose

Just recently released. So currently, I’ve traveled miraculously trying to get documentation to get my car released from impound. It’s been 22 days.

During this process I’ve been a little more anxious than usually and slightly more paranoid. It’s the being outside part. I thought I was hearing things. Like regular ppl saying my name, talking about what I was doing in the bathroom, just straight watching me. Even in jail I was hearing the negative energy trying to penetrate me.

I was wondering why was I hearing my middle name and a city the sergeant mentioned in a paper she printed off for me because she called me in the office wondering why I was yelling when really it the met head in the mental health pod screaming out racial slurs indirectly. And not that I took offense but it’s like these ppl would never say anything to me when I was out, and they stand around waiting for a reason to bump into you, or say something stupid, just to have an encounter.

Not everyone readi this would understand,. If you think you’re one of the 144, 000, then you probably get the vibes, but ppl are drawn to me, and I don’t say anything, and it’s toxic, feeling everybody and their hungry for attention, they wanna be first, seen, in front of me and all this jazz.

So, the whole two weeks I sat, I’m like ok, keep my mind sharp, I’m listening to the convos that float around, not talking to anyone, I didn’t even eat the food or come out of the room, felt like they were trouble, and they were, the guards even buzzed the door open and let other inmates in the cell I was in, with no other guard present, and I’m like the only black girl on the pod, and you’ve seen the movies. I was paranoid for like two nights.

So I get released, thinking oh it’s only gonna be around 150 usd around there, I find my car, walked three plus hours, just all this to go and get my ride. Get there, they’re like oh it’s not registered to you, after they let me in to get all the paperwork and my I’d to grab my things, that was bullshit right there because they let me in to get that, obviously I bought the car and the papers are here, oh it needs to be in the system, legally.

So, they didn’t even give me my ID after that. So it’s all this shit, I’m like ok, something is working against me, doesn’t want me to win, wants to see me walking the streets squirming, all these voices, sounds, and I know I’m not tripping. Haven’t even been smoking. I’m an avid cannabis smoker, but lately just been on ease with everything. Because I bought this car and I worked hard for it, and homelessness is stressful especially being more determined to be away from the energy of it, can’t slow down and feel sorry for everybody, wondering why ppl are looking at you sideways.

And so with voices, I’m saying in my head I’m getting my car out, I’m determined to get my car, I’m hearing opposite. But not loud. I got my car registered today. Despite the sounds against me. So whatever that isn’t doesn’t have power. And another example is from jail because when I thoughts their innuendos were about me, I said ok if that’s true, then slide your info under the door, that’s all I said out loud. Because I was in the room most of the stay, didn’t talk to anyone l, I’m in the room talking out loud to myself. What the name of my boats gonna be and all this. So, I didn’t get any info under the door, like oh could you help me wihh the bail or whatever, … test. Ok, king me.

So it’s really motivating. Can’t be stuck out here if you really want something better for yourself. And you can’t be out here bothered by the negativity or misery of other peoples. Everybody can’t see your visions. And if you find yourself in between times, make sure you making it look sexy. Never dim your light for anybody. Haters want to feel big, they know they’re not important, hurt them more by accomplishing your goals.

Crickets are chirping currrently as I’m camped out by the tags and title office until daybreak. No bums should be over here.