Everything is a game. Everybody in they spot to play and they better do it on cue. They pay you to bump into somebody else or say a word, but they gon turn on you too,
Type it for me, I’ll think it,
Show me magic
Type it for me, I’ll think it,
Show me magic
I’m so tired of beig out here like this. After five years of being homeless like at this point I’m truly over bei around people. I’m tired of being at bus stops upon waking up. Being. At shelters, jails, mental hospitals. All of that annoying shit. And then realizing there’s really not shit out here and even with all of these distractions and nuisances around I still have to keep a positive attitude Even doing that not wanting some evil, high, mentally ill scrambler walking down the street or on the train trying to come around and steal good energy.
People be sitting up here talking to me for no reason l. Don’t be bothering nobody, and a bum would come over just to see if I respond, just to be seen, or whatever it is, they’re not regular people. First of all no ones just going to trust some bum walking down the street and assume just because they’re homeless and smoke fetnyal they’re harmless. You’d think if you say a simple no they’d go away but even with that, I’m not sitting up here at 4 and 5 am to talk to no fucking bum. It’s so freaking N annoying!
These people out here be having bad energy, bad attitudes l, all these people out here looking for validation, wanna be seen, and really nobody’s at a position where that’s the example to follow. These mfs on the trains and buses don’t have anything. I barely see anyone ever reading or doing anything productive, so it’s really no inspiration. Pretty much anywhere along this whole train route bums are. And it’s like the people that work at the gas stations are more comfortable with people like the bums and addicts than someone who is obviously not like them.
I have meat on my bones. I’m weari my shades. It’s hot as the middle of hell out here in Phoenix, so I’m having on these clothes, long sleeves and caps and head coverings, which probably gets me more stared at because it’s not a lot of people my skin color out here that’s out on the streets that’s not on drugs and not tryi mg to just fit in with everyone else. Cause these mexicans out here think they superior to opposites and they are hateful and have bad vibes. They think they’re people is supposed to be automatically liked or looked at, and these females really be trash and dumb. I see it like bitch you workin go at the gas station or some temp place or whatever whatever you doing is not better just because it’s a lot of mexicans out here. They be tryna subtlety make it seem like if a mexican bitch a bum an obvious prostitute or drug addict is supposed to get a pass for not being shit just because h the e bitch that race. They not the only ones to have businesses or who work. Then they out here making it seem like if a black person latches on to them they some savior but it’s to look like oh I have this black person on a leash everybody look. And both of their asses sittting out here homeless as fuck.
I can’t stand no mf that smoke cigarettes. I hate drug addicts and bums. There’s no sympathy from me about no bum cause guess what these be he main people out here causing trouble. It’s certain places they won’t walk into or go because they know they don’t fit in there. Just because they got on a dress today riding the train, bitch you not cute, you not sexy, everybody sits on these damn seats, they’re not sanitized, ain’t nobody out here tryna save no bus fare just to park at some park and ride, nobody’s gonna assume you’re not homeless or have a car, no it’s just some bum bitch on the train. And this is the only spot where they can ‘show’ off for the next person and nobody’s on these fucking trains or buses but broke bum mfs!
I’m like if these mfs not buying what I’m selling ain’t no need for me to really talk to them cause somewhere along that, it’s a waste of time, they ain’t going nowhere, they got narcissistic tendencies, they don’t have no conversation, they too hung up on who sees them out on the street, like they be talking and whispering to the next stranger. I dont give a fuck about no gang stalking shit, I’m the only one in my own thoughts, my own mind. And ain’t nobody else finna sit up here and be born tryna make it seem like I haven’t. Then all they doing out here is tryna see me. And I hate it. Cause I’m not getting good vibes back, it doesn’t feel useful to me to sit up here just cause somebody walking down the street to give them some acknowledgement, cause that’s the common thing of how commoners do out here. I’m not no regular schmegular out here. That’s why I can’t do temp jobs, even the dispatchers be jealous of me trying not to send me out on assignments after I been up there since 4 am. Shit like that.
People really be jealous of me out here. And I think I physically see the matrix right in front of me. Like it’s not even funny. I can’t do no shelters, as wide open as it is out here, like it’s not meant to live out on the streets l, anywhere you go is a space for somebody to try to fuck with you if you not at home or have something to back you up. Don’t go to know cheap ass circle k cause only bums and broke people go there. Ain’t nobody reading or even talking about shit on the trains but they fucking problems and issues, and what license or if they tryna get,. It’s so irritating. Then if they see you don’t have on headphones, plus you’re not looking at them or up when someone gets on the train, here goes the conversations tryna say something to be heard, all this old stupid kindergarten shit and it’s like I could be at the flea or market or some shit meeti mg better people. I highly fucking doubt if these neighborhoods around here making eight million a week off drugs. These bums out here on the street don’t have shit. Police ain’t doing shit, all the trouble is fucking fetnyal addicts and so they treat everybody like that, they soft and weak out here in Arizona and they don’t expect nobody to retaliate or combat them. They got that same systematic approach to either try and fuck with you to see if you gon get loud, even if you just sitting there not doing nothing, it’s so many other people in the library , why this mf only over here talking about am I ok? Like, I don’t have to respond to anybody. Actually it’s best not to say anything to them cause they like arguing anyway. As stupid as they are.
It’s so annoying that I’m not even interested in the next person. Some mf carrying a fucking book bag or bag, what use is that for me?
That’s why I’m not at the shelter. It’s not healthy to be around that type of energy for too long. You there for a voucher, somewhere to stay and save your money, if it was just that, it’s doable, you can deal, I put up with it for a month, another place 3 maybe two, but realize you out here with all these people and they got all this bad energy on them, they ain’t used to nothing but sitting up not not doing anything everyday so they don’t mind looking and watching you, they don’t mind tryna make trouble for you, the bum bitches wanna feel feminine knowing that they not in the state where they’re desired, some other addict fucking on them, that’s it, then they wanna try and stand in front of me or on the other side at the desk, when it’s rude to do that when a person up here talking about tryna get a bed, bitch you have no respect, you do not know how to conduct yourself. These mfs a come up on you and touch you for no reason. Where do they do that and somebody doesn’t get shot? Like nobody said anything to them or even looked at them? What, that’s supposed to be ok just because this bitch is obviously a crack head. That’s what makes it even fucking worse! I don’t want no ducking bum touching me. But if I wild the fuck out then it’s gon have to be some explaining to do. And they like drama. It’s this light this glow about me, like I shouldn’t be around no bums at all. And when I say I dislike em and I don’t have any sympathy for them, understand I been out here homeless for five years.
And I’m extreme not tired of sharing space with other people. It causes so much unnecessary distress. And then it makes it seem so fucking small when it’s all this fucking space, then out here walking, here got all these eyes, then it seem like all these ppl just bunched up in the same spaces. Same sidewalk, same way, then they tryna act big out here like ain’t nobody feeling like ‘no, bitch you get the fuck out of MY way!’ It’s so annoying. Go up to the damn self check out thing at the library, somebody’s there. Wasn’t nobody there on my way to the restroom. How ironic is that. Then it’s like ok just cause you look at this person doesn’t mean they probably aren’t a mass shooter, but you looking up or in this persons face, who has sunglasses head covering and long clothing on, that doesn’t make you tough!
I can’t stand the simple minded behavior out here. You’re not going to see any millionaires camping out at no damn library, they can buy anything here! Only ppl that need wifi or a library card is a broke mf that really is caught up in this matrix dude. It’s so annoying.
In so tired of these any and every bodies out here. It’s like if you are trying to get something going for yourself you gots to filter and suck and dodge everybody else that’s out here. If you’re smart you should already know who and what who isn’t good for you out here. Crackhead fucker that doesn’t… what was I saying because I just went to the restroom at the library…
Yeah, but it’s just so annoying because you every type of anybody out here. You can sit up here be nice, cordial, kind, and all that but you can’t always guarantee that the next person is just off over here by you on good intentions. Now, to keep up with the law of attraction I mean you can’t be conjuring up bad thoughts. On top of that with whatever you’re dealing with you have to be positive about. Even though you know this hype, most like fentanyl smoking addict is over by here by the bus top looking for drugs or either trying to fuck with you because it’s already high or fucked up.
Now, if you’re lucky enough to have a car or an apt, even if you’re low on funds, going to a job you hate, hey, at lost you’re not out here exposed to the dangers the worries the uncomfortably of being out here with strangers. And too if you’re not black because it’s like they still subtlety trying to make shit hard for black people. And so it’s noticing all this shit, having to deal with it and still trying to find somewhere to live l, I mean it’s set up to set you over the edges
You don’t have any friends. Your family can’t help because I mean I come from good people, one of my parents was an addict and I know for a fact it’s been not used in over twenty years. And that family member is near and dear to me and still had more sense than a lot of these fiends out here thinking somebody just supposed to come by and lift them all the way up, care so much, to where they’re not homeless, people aren’t treating them left out because they’re black, I mean it’s irrational.
So you got these people out here in competition with each other. But the only somebody a bitch at circle k can ‘compete’ with is another bitch at circle k. Because any bitch that’s got anything going for herself you gon try your best to avoid unnecessary areas and you already know what type of people hang out at circle k. They don’t even have quality products it’s just high as hell like 7-eleven. So, you know you black, got on bum clothes cause you haven’t showered in a week or so, then you come up in here and these bitches just got up out the bed, probably off today l, like anybody is supposed to know that, but this bitch think that, and whatever the fuck it might the thinking who cares because the bitch on fetnyal anyway, so it’s like, they get big chested and want to put on a whole show for thé block girl.
Everybody wants to show you how they don’t like you. Black dudes look at the light skinned and Mexican girls instead. Even if the bitch sitting off on the curb, broke, they’ll give tu is bitch ‘courtesy attention’ like if this shit was about courtesy attention, it a be a bunch of millionaires out here tryna get everybody off the the streets for free. Since not bitch, you gotta hustle, and you gotta know what’s right and good for you. If you don’t you better tap into your intuition.
People out here not shit. And I’m dealing with it from allow vantage point, right now. I don’t have nobody taking me in, I don’t have a hotel room or even a stable job right now. I can’t even deal with emotionally working around these type of people for 8 hours because they be tryna make shit harder than it needs to be for 8 hours. It’s a little cooler if you in Atlanta and it’s more black people than hating ass evil Mexicans but you don’t want o be out there without no car either. Because those trains and buses be where bums at, going nowhere, people mad starting shit and the people working there just like the people on the streets and they live drama. They live sending a mf off with no justice, ohh this person bumped into you there’s nothing we can do, but let you have a hammer l, let you have a gun, what now? I can resolve this shit, then you gotta deal with part work and questioning, but everybody’s blind eyed to these nobodies out here fucking with people.
I can’t stand the sight of a fucking bum. And I’m not tryna block my blessings by talking about this shit and how much it bothers me. I hate bums I can’t stand people out here, they ain’t no help, it’s certain people you meet with certain clothes on, it’s nothing but addicts out here at the street. All the neighborhood mfs out here, everybody wanna seem like they run the block, all out here in punk ass Phoenix, it’s not city like where I’m from, and even still I don’t feel comfortable sleeping out on the sidewalks.
I don’t want these mfs walking around me at 1-3 in the morning, cause all they doing is looking for somebody to fuck with and steal. Who the fuck wants to be bothered with these type of people? Sure the drug dealers live em, but I mean really nobody wants to be bothered with no fucked drugged out mindless fucking fiend. Even sitting on the train a few stops of too fucking long to be around people like that. They be talking to voices and all type of shit them want somebody to feel that misery with them. Then they wanna hop in front of you to feel seems and all this shit, ok Hollywood next state over, cause you not shit out here. And it’s so annoying. To where of you not out there at the temp agency at 4am all the vrackheads get the work assignments and then you wait all day til the next day with no money for weed, your only drug of choice, don’t want no alcohol and you out here broke with no friends, and nowhere to hide, and these high broke people around you. No inspiration just straight bullshit. Cause if it’s not a bum it’s a mf walking j’y thinking they trying supposed to be so apparent and noticed and just because tu eu have on what looks like clean clothes everybody supposed to know they not homeless, everybody just supposed to guess. But fuck that mf too. Cause the only way you seeing this mf is on the train. So everybody else off in the cars doesn’t see this person, so how important is that non factor ? See, that’s what I’m saying.
So I may be dealing with anxiety and depression and not even know it. Cause that just can’t sit up here and be a problem and all that would make me feel calm is being in my house comfortable locking my door and not coming out or being bothered until I want to. After five years of straight homelessness I mean, fuck what anybody else has going on, at this point I’m selfish l, like completely. Ain’t nobody helping me or guiding me to do shit. Trying to pray and keep faith and yet still encountering these demons still with nowhere to call home, perfectly healthy. Then I mean mad ass disabled people out here arguing and shit like damn all I said excuse did you have an extra dollar, you mad cause you don’t have two legs, hmm maybe I don’t have as much problem after all!
So it’s like, after losing so many journals, my writings mean a lot to me because I don’t have friends. You can see this is why I blog. I think if I talk about this on YouTube people wouldn’t really relate because it’s like you have a job, a family, real support. Out here with nothing nobody l, everybody is against you. Everybody’s tryna use you,”. After all you’re your on person. It’s not cool being stabbed by a narcissist. How do you explain it’s not because you didn’t do anything but because that person is a narcissistic. Like I have no journals. After five years of homelessness this should be a academy award winning movie right now. A best selling book man. Do you realize how much this situation takes out of you?
You don’t even want to sit at the fucking library anymore because it’s nothing but a fucking motel for all the homeless mfs out here. You don’t want to sit at the park because they’re all on drugs, broke, probably live around there but lonely, same type of ain’t shit ain’t got shit type of people. You don’t see nobody reading or really joyful or having a good time. Then you don’t want nobody tryna come over and disturb what little good you can find to yourself. So it’s depressing. The doctors don’t care l. They just like the mfs at circle k, just want a check. Ain’t nobody loving on you or touching on you right, on your period and haven’t showered now you’re hot, mad and bleeding 🩸, just ugh.
So it’s only 1pm right now, I really don’t care. Temp agency opens at 4am tomorrow. Though the Google maps ad says 5… I got there at 6 today………
Coming to the close of another day. Yet the night is newborn alive. As I’m sitting here under an awning, sweating from walking two.one miles, I’m like man, every day costs.
Last night I was reading on articles and empacted by the stories of how people are losing their lives. The two recent stories are sad, but real and it’s like wow, nobody really should be complaining. Life is precious and the grand suggestion is making every moment count for something because death could become real at any moment.
It’s stories like these that make you wonder who could this person have talked to before hand. There’s no erasing that. Instead of moping around really dedicate yourself to voicing who you are. Life is too short for excuses. I used to be shy, I was paranoid about sharing my experiences and my stories and as I’m out here adventuring and homeless, people are telling me stories, but it’s not surprising. And after all of that I’m like wow, how could anyone feel alone?
Currently, I’m out in a city where I’m probably the only black girl. Somewhere like Apache junction where the population is under 50k. It’s bums riding around here, but they’re looking at me like, I’m not homeless or something. Sometimes I forget what color I’m am, I have my shades on anyway.
But I ate today, the library is still open, there are petitions to close them, some shit seems like the twilight zone, like one thing happens and ironically that’s the title of the book but I can’t waste time on if that’s the universe sending me signs. I still have to make this $400 to get my car registered so I can get it out of tow and each day is double twenties. As minor as that sounds, who really has your back out here ? And I have to thank God because really that’s what it’s all about.
Im on a four hour walk tonight and the weather claims… hold on, 60% chance of showers overnight. No complaints but also short on cash, but if I run into a circle k hopefully someone won’t have an issue getting the coffee. I really despise having to ask for little things I want.
The moral of the entry is find your thing and do it. Be good to people, and share how good God has been to you. Even if you don’t think you have a personal relationship with God I promise God cares. Everybody goes through things that seem hard and make you sigh. That doesn’t mean quit. Sure I want my car out and I’m annoyed by paranoia, but you have to check yourself and push through. No blaming and accept responsibility. Find the good and grow off that.
Hey, you’re breathing.