Tag Archives: journaling

Slow Down | How Self Reflection Helps You Develop Into Your True Boundless Being Self | What Am I Doing Here?

I mean but what I’m saying is is that I’m on my own journey. Along this walk there’s differences in things, peoples, and places. Different circumstances make people how they are. And world needs people who are able to embrace their shortcomings, setbacks, adversities to help people heal. In some way express love, forgiveness, and how God has provided, protected and pulled you through. Because God created everything and everything is His.

Now, you can’t expect everyone to comprehend or embrace the being your best self life approach. Everyone’s not going to be humble, everyone’s not going to like you, people will still be in low vibrational energy, envy and greed. But what’s important is that you seek God’s love and let that fill you up. God will place good people in your life, a nice home, good family. Nurture and tend to that. Be grateful. And here’s Satan and his minions walking to and fro seeking whom it can devour, to try and knock you off course, get you riled up, distract you. This happens. And when people are on that ad don’t have your best interest or an interest or respect for your growth at all, itsok to be selfish because that’s dead weight. Get away from those people that environment for the good of your own heart space.

You can’t fix everybody. Lend a helping hand if and when you can. But don’t allow ppl to continuously abuse your presence, your kindness, or generosity. In the book of Psalms in the 138 chapter in reminds us that God is full of love and compassion. God is merciful and ready to forgive. Life gets confusing. You’re ready for a change right NOW. This is ticking you off so you blow money on getting high, or sex or some vice. You don’t feel like meditating, reading, or doing that self reflection. But it’s vital.

So while you’re giving time, money and energy to everything else, take a second to figure out how you feel, angry scared, frustrated, calm, and appreciate that. No one’s rushing you. Embrace the process. Because things are ever evolving.

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so you think you safe cause you act like them? They gon turn on you too, 666, red, voices, matrix, nobody

Everything is a game. Everybody in they spot to play and they better do it on cue. They pay you to bump into somebody else or say a word, but they gon turn on you too,

Type it for me, I’ll think it,

Show me magic

Current Scenario: Real Talk from On the Streets, Figuratively

Scenario

(Sigh)

I’m so tired of beig out here like this. After five years of being homeless like at this point I’m truly over bei around people. I’m tired of being at bus stops upon waking up. Being. At shelters, jails, mental hospitals. All of that annoying shit. And then realizing there’s really not shit out here and even with all of these distractions and nuisances around I still have to keep a positive attitude Even doing that not wanting some evil, high, mentally ill scrambler walking down the street or on the train trying to come around and steal good energy.

People be sitting up here talking to me for no reason l. Don’t be bothering nobody, and a bum would come over just to see if I respond, just to be seen, or whatever it is, they’re not regular people. First of all no ones just going to trust some bum walking down the street and assume just because they’re homeless and smoke fetnyal they’re harmless. You’d think if you say a simple no they’d go away but even with that, I’m not sitting up here at 4 and 5 am to talk to no fucking bum. It’s so freaking N annoying!

These people out here be having bad energy, bad attitudes l, all these people out here looking for validation, wanna be seen, and really nobody’s at a position where that’s the example to follow. These mfs on the trains and buses don’t have anything. I barely see anyone ever reading or doing anything productive, so it’s really no inspiration. Pretty much anywhere along this whole train route bums are. And it’s like the people that work at the gas stations are more comfortable with people like the bums and addicts than someone who is obviously not like them.

I have meat on my bones. I’m weari my shades. It’s hot as the middle of hell out here in Phoenix, so I’m having on these clothes, long sleeves and caps and head coverings, which probably gets me more stared at because it’s not a lot of people my skin color out here that’s out on the streets that’s not on drugs and not tryi mg to just fit in with everyone else. Cause these mexicans out here think they superior to opposites and they are hateful and have bad vibes. They think they’re people is supposed to be automatically liked or looked at, and these females really be trash and dumb. I see it like bitch you workin go at the gas station or some temp place or whatever whatever you doing is not better just because it’s a lot of mexicans out here. They be tryna subtlety make it seem like if a mexican bitch a bum an obvious prostitute or drug addict is supposed to get a pass for not being shit just because h the e bitch that race. They not the only ones to have businesses or who work. Then they out here making it seem like if a black person latches on to them they some savior but it’s to look like oh I have this black person on a leash everybody look. And both of their asses sittting out here homeless as fuck.

I can’t stand no mf that smoke cigarettes. I hate drug addicts and bums. There’s no sympathy from me about no bum cause guess what these be he main people out here causing trouble. It’s certain places they won’t walk into or go because they know they don’t fit in there. Just because they got on a dress today riding the train, bitch you not cute, you not sexy, everybody sits on these damn seats, they’re not sanitized, ain’t nobody out here tryna save no bus fare just to park at some park and ride, nobody’s gonna assume you’re not homeless or have a car, no it’s just some bum bitch on the train. And this is the only spot where they can ‘show’ off for the next person and nobody’s on these fucking trains or buses but broke bum mfs!

I’m like if these mfs not buying what I’m selling ain’t no need for me to really talk to them cause somewhere along that, it’s a waste of time, they ain’t going nowhere, they got narcissistic tendencies, they don’t have no conversation, they too hung up on who sees them out on the street, like they be talking and whispering to the next stranger. I dont give a fuck about no gang stalking shit, I’m the only one in my own thoughts, my own mind. And ain’t nobody else finna sit up here and be born tryna make it seem like I haven’t. Then all they doing out here is tryna see me. And I hate it. Cause I’m not getting good vibes back, it doesn’t feel useful to me to sit up here just cause somebody walking down the street to give them some acknowledgement, cause that’s the common thing of how commoners do out here. I’m not no regular schmegular out here. That’s why I can’t do temp jobs, even the dispatchers be jealous of me trying not to send me out on assignments after I been up there since 4 am. Shit like that.

People really be jealous of me out here. And I think I physically see the matrix right in front of me. Like it’s not even funny. I can’t do no shelters, as wide open as it is out here, like it’s not meant to live out on the streets l, anywhere you go is a space for somebody to try to fuck with you if you not at home or have something to back you up. Don’t go to know cheap ass circle k cause only bums and broke people go there. Ain’t nobody reading or even talking about shit on the trains but they fucking problems and issues, and what license or if they tryna get,. It’s so irritating. Then if they see you don’t have on headphones, plus you’re not looking at them or up when someone gets on the train, here goes the conversations tryna say something to be heard, all this old stupid kindergarten shit and it’s like I could be at the flea or market or some shit meeti mg better people. I highly fucking doubt if these neighborhoods around here making eight million a week off drugs. These bums out here on the street don’t have shit. Police ain’t doing shit, all the trouble is fucking fetnyal addicts and so they treat everybody like that, they soft and weak out here in Arizona and they don’t expect nobody to retaliate or combat them. They got that same systematic approach to either try and fuck with you to see if you gon get loud, even if you just sitting there not doing nothing, it’s so many other people in the library , why this mf only over here talking about am I ok? Like, I don’t have to respond to anybody. Actually it’s best not to say anything to them cause they like arguing anyway. As stupid as they are.

It’s so annoying that I’m not even interested in the next person. Some mf carrying a fucking book bag or bag, what use is that for me?

That’s why I’m not at the shelter. It’s not healthy to be around that type of energy for too long. You there for a voucher, somewhere to stay and save your money, if it was just that, it’s doable, you can deal, I put up with it for a month, another place 3 maybe two, but realize you out here with all these people and they got all this bad energy on them, they ain’t used to nothing but sitting up not not doing anything everyday so they don’t mind looking and watching you, they don’t mind tryna make trouble for you, the bum bitches wanna feel feminine knowing that they not in the state where they’re desired, some other addict fucking on them, that’s it, then they wanna try and stand in front of me or on the other side at the desk, when it’s rude to do that when a person up here talking about tryna get a bed, bitch you have no respect, you do not know how to conduct yourself. These mfs a come up on you and touch you for no reason. Where do they do that and somebody doesn’t get shot? Like nobody said anything to them or even looked at them? What, that’s supposed to be ok just because this bitch is obviously a crack head. That’s what makes it even fucking worse! I don’t want no ducking bum touching me. But if I wild the fuck out then it’s gon have to be some explaining to do. And they like drama. It’s this light this glow about me, like I shouldn’t be around no bums at all. And when I say I dislike em and I don’t have any sympathy for them, understand I been out here homeless for five years.

And I’m extreme not tired of sharing space with other people. It causes so much unnecessary distress. And then it makes it seem so fucking small when it’s all this fucking space, then out here walking, here got all these eyes, then it seem like all these ppl just bunched up in the same spaces. Same sidewalk, same way, then they tryna act big out here like ain’t nobody feeling like ‘no, bitch you get the fuck out of MY way!’ It’s so annoying. Go up to the damn self check out thing at the library, somebody’s there. Wasn’t nobody there on my way to the restroom. How ironic is that. Then it’s like ok just cause you look at this person doesn’t mean they probably aren’t a mass shooter, but you looking up or in this persons face, who has sunglasses head covering and long clothing on, that doesn’t make you tough!

I can’t stand the simple minded behavior out here. You’re not going to see any millionaires camping out at no damn library, they can buy anything here! Only ppl that need wifi or a library card is a broke mf that really is caught up in this matrix dude. It’s so annoying.

Post.

The Streets Make You Mad – Current Situation | Anxiety, Depression, No Therapy

Scenario

(Sigh)

I’m so tired of beig out here like this. After five years of being homeless like at this point I’m truly over bei around people. I’m tired of being at bus stops upon waking up. Being. At shelters, jails, mental hospitals. All of that annoying shit. And then realizing there’s really not shit out here and even with all of these distractions and nuisances around I still have to keep a positive attitude Even doing that not wanting some evil, high, mentally ill scrambler walking down the street or on the train trying to come around and steal good energy.

People be sitting up here talking to me for no reason l. Don’t be bothering nobody, and a bum would come over just to see if I respond, just to be seen, or whatever it is, they’re not regular people. First of all no ones just going to trust some bum walking down the street and assume just because they’re homeless and smoke fetnyal they’re harmless. You’d think if you say a simple no they’d go away but even with that, I’m not sitting up here at 4 and 5 am to talk to no fucking bum. It’s so freaking N annoying!

These people out here be having bad energy, bad attitudes l, all these people out here looking for validation, wanna be seen, and really nobody’s at a position where that’s the example to follow. These mfs on the trains and buses don’t have anything. I barely see anyone ever reading or doing anything productive, so it’s really no inspiration. Pretty much anywhere along this whole train route bums are. And it’s like the people that work at the gas stations are more comfortable with people like the bums and addicts than someone who is obviously not like them.

I have meat on my bones. I’m weari my shades. It’s hot as the middle of hell out here in Phoenix, so I’m having on these clothes, long sleeves and caps and head coverings, which probably gets me more stared at because it’s not a lot of people my skin color out here that’s out on the streets that’s not on drugs and not tryi mg to just fit in with everyone else. Cause these mexicans out here think they superior to opposites and they are hateful and have bad vibes. They think they’re people is supposed to be automatically liked or looked at, and these females really be trash and dumb. I see it like bitch you workin go at the gas station or some temp place or whatever whatever you doing is not better just because it’s a lot of mexicans out here. They be tryna subtlety make it seem like if a mexican bitch a bum an obvious prostitute or drug addict is supposed to get a pass for not being shit just because h the e bitch that race. They not the only ones to have businesses or who work. Then they out here making it seem like if a black person latches on to them they some savior but it’s to look like oh I have this black person on a leash everybody look. And both of their asses sittting out here homeless as fuck.

I can’t stand no mf that smoke cigarettes. I hate drug addicts and bums. There’s no sympathy from me about no bum cause guess what these be he main people out here causing trouble. It’s certain places they won’t walk into or go because they know they don’t fit in there. Just because they got on a dress today riding the train, bitch you not cute, you not sexy, everybody sits on these damn seats, they’re not sanitized, ain’t nobody out here tryna save no bus fare just to park at some park and ride, nobody’s gonna assume you’re not homeless or have a car, no it’s just some bum bitch on the train. And this is the only spot where they can ‘show’ off for the next person and nobody’s on these fucking trains or buses but broke bum mfs!

I’m like if these mfs not buying what I’m selling ain’t no need for me to really talk to them cause somewhere along that, it’s a waste of time, they ain’t going nowhere, they got narcissistic tendencies, they don’t have no conversation, they too hung up on who sees them out on the street, like they be talking and whispering to the next stranger. I dont give a fuck about no gang stalking shit, I’m the only one in my own thoughts, my own mind. And ain’t nobody else finna sit up here and be born tryna make it seem like I haven’t. Then all they doing out here is tryna see me. And I hate it. Cause I’m not getting good vibes back, it doesn’t feel useful to me to sit up here just cause somebody walking down the street to give them some acknowledgement, cause that’s the common thing of how commoners do out here. I’m not no regular schmegular out here. That’s why I can’t do temp jobs, even the dispatchers be jealous of me trying not to send me out on assignments after I been up there since 4 am. Shit like that.

People really be jealous of me out here. And I think I physically see the matrix right in front of me. Like it’s not even funny. I can’t do no shelters, as wide open as it is out here, like it’s not meant to live out on the streets l, anywhere you go is a space for somebody to try to fuck with you if you not at home or have something to back you up. Don’t go to know cheap ass circle k cause only bums and broke people go there. Ain’t nobody reading or even talking about shit on the trains but they fucking problems and issues, and what license or if they tryna get,. It’s so irritating. Then if they see you don’t have on headphones, plus you’re not looking at them or up when someone gets on the train, here goes the conversations tryna say something to be heard, all this old stupid kindergarten shit and it’s like I could be at the flea or market or some shit meeti mg better people. I highly fucking doubt if these neighborhoods around here making eight million a week off drugs. These bums out here on the street don’t have shit. Police ain’t doing shit, all the trouble is fucking fetnyal addicts and so they treat everybody like that, they soft and weak out here in Arizona and they don’t expect nobody to retaliate or combat them. They got that same systematic approach to either try and fuck with you to see if you gon get loud, even if you just sitting there not doing nothing, it’s so many other people in the library , why this mf only over here talking about am I ok? Like, I don’t have to respond to anybody. Actually it’s best not to say anything to them cause they like arguing anyway. As stupid as they are.

It’s so annoying that I’m not even interested in the next person. Some mf carrying a fucking book bag or bag, what use is that for me?

That’s why I’m not at the shelter. It’s not healthy to be around that type of energy for too long. You there for a voucher, somewhere to stay and save your money, if it was just that, it’s doable, you can deal, I put up with it for a month, another place 3 maybe two, but realize you out here with all these people and they got all this bad energy on them, they ain’t used to nothing but sitting up not not doing anything everyday so they don’t mind looking and watching you, they don’t mind tryna make trouble for you, the bum bitches wanna feel feminine knowing that they not in the state where they’re desired, some other addict fucking on them, that’s it, then they wanna try and stand in front of me or on the other side at the desk, when it’s rude to do that when a person up here talking about tryna get a bed, bitch you have no respect, you do not know how to conduct yourself. These mfs a come up on you and touch you for no reason. Where do they do that and somebody doesn’t get shot? Like nobody said anything to them or even looked at them? What, that’s supposed to be ok just because this bitch is obviously a crack head. That’s what makes it even fucking worse! I don’t want no ducking bum touching me. But if I wild the fuck out then it’s gon have to be some explaining to do. And they like drama. It’s this light this glow about me, like I shouldn’t be around no bums at all. And when I say I dislike em and I don’t have any sympathy for them, understand I been out here homeless for five years.

And I’m extreme not tired of sharing space with other people. It causes so much unnecessary distress. And then it makes it seem so fucking small when it’s all this fucking space, then out here walking, here got all these eyes, then it seem like all these ppl just bunched up in the same spaces. Same sidewalk, same way, then they tryna act big out here like ain’t nobody feeling like ‘no, bitch you get the fuck out of MY way!’ It’s so annoying. Go up to the damn self check out thing at the library, somebody’s there. Wasn’t nobody there on my way to the restroom. How ironic is that. Then it’s like ok just cause you look at this person doesn’t mean they probably aren’t a mass shooter, but you looking up or in this persons face, who has sunglasses head covering and long clothing on, that doesn’t make you tough!

I can’t stand the simple minded behavior out here. You’re not going to see any millionaires camping out at no damn library, they can buy anything here! Only ppl that need wifi or a library card is a broke mf that really is caught up in this matrix dude. It’s so annoying.

Edit:

And then just last night/ this 1am morning some homeless, white, high dude came to the bus stop I was sleeping at at actually moved my legs to try and sit down and clear I was sleeping on the bench with my hands in my shirt and face covered. Then when I called 911 he played victim and said I hit him. Luckily the Lord was on my side, and I didn’t have any warrants because I really didn’t have to give them my ID, this dude didn’t even have a phone and was obviously a transient and I’m just tired of people like that. And out here in Arizona that seems to be how all these ppl are out here and it’s being tired of being in the same places and then all you running into all day is people trying to get your attention because you don’t look like the others and it’s like I don’t get anything from that.

And it’s this constant energy like ppl tryna get you to seem them, hope you see them so they can show you they don’t like you. They out here thinking you supposed to have an attitude and wanna be their friends just so they can try and make you feel low. Like I’m so tired of people. These type of people. They don’t have shit to offer. Mehta would a rich person or anybody who has anything going for tnhemaelves need to come to the library l? So you know the type of people that are there? Homeless, troublemaking, imbalanced, jealous, hateful, oh look at me instead, (nobody cares you exist), bums.

<Super sigh of exasperation>

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Uncluttered Your Messy Life | Uplifting Mood from Wicked Vibrations | Rant

Currently I feel so bored with life. Being homeless is frustrating and lonely. It’s been five years and I feel like I’ve been saying that too long. Been too long around people , just constantly around people to the point I’m annoyed by other peoples presence. After a while it’s ok ok these people are crazy and don’t want anything out of life. It’s annoying. I’m not trying to complain but it’s also hot, and whenever you move you gotta take your stuff with you. It’s too hot not to have any money. And all the little things that seem to cause bigger issues. And after all of that just wanting alone time. Being careful of what I say, not talking about jail or no psychiatric hospital. Notice how all of those places are the same as homeless shelters. And reallly look into that quote about becoming who you hang around…

So it’s been scary. I don’t even know how to structure this post because I’m trying to find out why $208.53 was transferred out out of my account. So I have to get a new card. What is God up to. What am I supposed to be doing in the meantime. Cause I’m not feeling happy or fulfilled.

I have a notebook but I don’t even journal my heart out like I used to. I’ve just been holding everything in and how healthy is that. Feel like my photos in my iCloud are old and they are but I’ve been saving them til I have better clothes and not camping outside but it’s stuff like that my true authenticity that’s been my life, the real story. My big adventures.

Coming back from draft, what was I saying? Well later in the day I feel better. It’s the hounding of just people people and keeping my calm but also agitated that people just come around me, stare at me, try to block me when I’m walking. I mean that’s the point of getting my car out the tow lot to be less stressed more peaceful and in my element unperturbed by the nuisances of just everybody. It’s nobody out by the greyhound station, back here. Some guy just had to mention how he made $130 from selling weed last night. . I mean why is he telling me. Do I smoke weed. But anyway. But all of this is bypassed just having your own. W

It’s a new day and heat in the afternoon. Writing is my outlet and most of the things that go on throughout the day where you feel constantly that people are purposely trying to bother you or corner you, and be in spot where they can see and watch you. After being outside so long you see that’s how things are made and shaped, and being living outside it’s not made for that, it’s a trap a maze and all the lost people that are caught up in it, they cause trouble, even people who aren’t homeless they do the same shit homeless people do and it’s just that having the money you need keeps that type of shit more away from you. You can go home and retreat because they more you put up with the same shit and the same energy and vibes like I’m not tryna feel calicified or hardened by nobody else’s bullshit. Idk what anybody else is really doing or going through because people try to make it seem like their problems are worse than anybody’s, and I have better things to do and want to do than sit up with somebody else not seeing their own worth or being really a die hard for God, or being a better person because people make you hateful, not everybody’s the same and that friction is what causes the frustration.

So I’m sitting up here and you need to train your mind and so if this is what I’m creating then I need to change it, I can’t keep getting upset and mad by other people, but these types that’s out here are not the type of people I’m looking for anything from or to hang out with or be around. Whole time you feel they’re jealousy, I know I’m better than them and who’s going to tell me I’m not? I don’t see anything in them, these bums or anybody that I’m tryna be like. Like Oprah can bask in her wealth feel good and protect herself from bums. There’s no bums just sitting up and touching her like it’s ok and like she should like people like them. And God does for them how he does, and loving people and having good vibes is cool but not everybody is like that. And I’m not tryna be cool with these bums ex or current addicts, like this is not my crowd. They’re conversations are ugly and it’s so much better in the world to look at than a mf tryna stand and ‘face you’ just to be in your line of sight or challenge you. I don’t say shit to them, I look at the environment that I’m in. Then I’m like ok maybe it’s someone here, not like me, but do they have their head on straight, do you see better than your current situation, do you have hope and faith beyond what’s in front of you, the type of motivating people that don’t care how everybody’s looking at them they’re full of life and smiles and can scream and shout for God with out that underlying oh just because that’s what people aren’t used to they tone it down, how else will it get done differently ? I’m tied of being around simple minded people. Tired of simple minded people being around me. I’m glad to be free from jail, that’s not my topic of conversation, that’s hurt and pain and not how I lead my life. Most times I’ve been in trouble been because of my reaction off how a bum came and tried me and caused trouble for me most likely because that person was jealous of me.

I grew up in a fast city of crimes and we were homeless for a short time as youth but we never been around people just out right next to them or them in your face just up and able to stand next to you, and you don’t want o be around people like this for long. And notice how they’ll stand around for a period of time and people start showing up or trying to be around you start popping up out of nowhere it’s really strange. People have came up to me while I was sitting on the concrete and just came and stood over me, like I was supposed to notice them or look ‘up’ at them or something. People touching you on the train, and as much violent things that happen in transportation, you sit quiet to not get into a fight but what this person did, violating your space is wrong. And these people be bums and really just have no space in life and they can only move out with other bums cause if you not out here not like no bum less you gotta deal with dirty bums.

So that’s what’s frustrating about it. Over the years I’ve just I just hate homless people, they just trouble, dirty, they’re lazy, and I guess people free funding or tax breaks or whatever they do for the non profits but I don’t feel for that either, because I’ve had people that work at places like that take food from, free food out of my hands. And they treat people like they’re children, animals, something beneath, and I cringe at that. It’s resources out here, but also it’s like going to those places, they’re used to dealing with drug addicts and everybody being half minded or not all the way there and that’s how those people are, and they’re really not at a high place. These people are slaves to their 9-5, people become where they work at, and everybody’s not rich or wealthy. And that being, you can’t expect everybody’s aim to be the same. Everybody tryna fit in and feel like somebody but not everybody doings the work. And people try to categorize, I’m at this church where I’m sleeping at and I’m the only black girl here. So it’s like the white bitches tryna walk by with boots heels on, like she came all the way from the back door just to cross in front of me, and most likely she’s a crackhead meth head but want to feel pretty and seen by everybody, when really it’s me. I got meat on my bones, my brown skin is shining and it’s like they wanna feel next to me, and I don’t feel that way. There wasn’t a reason to come out the back door just to walk in front of me across the grass. You know all that little stuff that’s supposed to look causual when really they’re just mad because I’m not trying to be their friend. Can’t engage with that. And that’s what brings success. See these type of people not talking about success and being greater, all they know is tryna play games. One tryna see you here off this corner and all that. Wanna use innuendos while they talk around you, but get you some headphones, that can’t effect you. Be mindful of what you put or let pass through your mind.

So that’s my rant on being super annoyed by other people. It’s not just ha but people don’t be all the way, they hard to trust, and ain’t no trusting no crackhead. People change I guess but I’m not about to sit up here and care about that when my emotional well being is like vital to my health and because I don’t want to be bothered with just any old body my day is affected. And I have to be careful of that. I don’t talk to anybody, I mean converse really, and I pick and choose who I open up to, and most times people just think they just know, like the guy this morning talking about what he knew of the Bible but couldn’t tell me what the key to the kingdom of heaven was… and it’s like he’s one of those ones that follows anything, wanna be made feel special m, like everybody but it’s like, he said he just do as he told. It’s so annoying. But anyway. In this type of environment there’s no one in it to look up to. There’s no tryna relate to them and they wanna do is feel over you, they know they’re trashy and addicted and wasn’t somebody to feel sorry for them not trying, or wanting to care and they no regards for other people,”. My trying isn’t like they’re trying, so I really don’t care. The issue is having more money in abundance to protect my space and energy from people like them. I don’t like bums. And nobody out on the courtyard reading, but feel like ervybody looking at me… y’all don’t understand.