The Streets Make You Mad – Current Situation | Anxiety, Depression, No Therapy

Scenario

(Sigh)

I’m so tired of beig out here like this. After five years of being homeless like at this point I’m truly over bei around people. I’m tired of being at bus stops upon waking up. Being. At shelters, jails, mental hospitals. All of that annoying shit. And then realizing there’s really not shit out here and even with all of these distractions and nuisances around I still have to keep a positive attitude Even doing that not wanting some evil, high, mentally ill scrambler walking down the street or on the train trying to come around and steal good energy.

People be sitting up here talking to me for no reason l. Don’t be bothering nobody, and a bum would come over just to see if I respond, just to be seen, or whatever it is, they’re not regular people. First of all no ones just going to trust some bum walking down the street and assume just because they’re homeless and smoke fetnyal they’re harmless. You’d think if you say a simple no they’d go away but even with that, I’m not sitting up here at 4 and 5 am to talk to no fucking bum. It’s so freaking N annoying!

These people out here be having bad energy, bad attitudes l, all these people out here looking for validation, wanna be seen, and really nobody’s at a position where that’s the example to follow. These mfs on the trains and buses don’t have anything. I barely see anyone ever reading or doing anything productive, so it’s really no inspiration. Pretty much anywhere along this whole train route bums are. And it’s like the people that work at the gas stations are more comfortable with people like the bums and addicts than someone who is obviously not like them.

I have meat on my bones. I’m weari my shades. It’s hot as the middle of hell out here in Phoenix, so I’m having on these clothes, long sleeves and caps and head coverings, which probably gets me more stared at because it’s not a lot of people my skin color out here that’s out on the streets that’s not on drugs and not tryi mg to just fit in with everyone else. Cause these mexicans out here think they superior to opposites and they are hateful and have bad vibes. They think they’re people is supposed to be automatically liked or looked at, and these females really be trash and dumb. I see it like bitch you workin go at the gas station or some temp place or whatever whatever you doing is not better just because it’s a lot of mexicans out here. They be tryna subtlety make it seem like if a mexican bitch a bum an obvious prostitute or drug addict is supposed to get a pass for not being shit just because h the e bitch that race. They not the only ones to have businesses or who work. Then they out here making it seem like if a black person latches on to them they some savior but it’s to look like oh I have this black person on a leash everybody look. And both of their asses sittting out here homeless as fuck.

I can’t stand no mf that smoke cigarettes. I hate drug addicts and bums. There’s no sympathy from me about no bum cause guess what these be he main people out here causing trouble. It’s certain places they won’t walk into or go because they know they don’t fit in there. Just because they got on a dress today riding the train, bitch you not cute, you not sexy, everybody sits on these damn seats, they’re not sanitized, ain’t nobody out here tryna save no bus fare just to park at some park and ride, nobody’s gonna assume you’re not homeless or have a car, no it’s just some bum bitch on the train. And this is the only spot where they can ‘show’ off for the next person and nobody’s on these fucking trains or buses but broke bum mfs!

I’m like if these mfs not buying what I’m selling ain’t no need for me to really talk to them cause somewhere along that, it’s a waste of time, they ain’t going nowhere, they got narcissistic tendencies, they don’t have no conversation, they too hung up on who sees them out on the street, like they be talking and whispering to the next stranger. I dont give a fuck about no gang stalking shit, I’m the only one in my own thoughts, my own mind. And ain’t nobody else finna sit up here and be born tryna make it seem like I haven’t. Then all they doing out here is tryna see me. And I hate it. Cause I’m not getting good vibes back, it doesn’t feel useful to me to sit up here just cause somebody walking down the street to give them some acknowledgement, cause that’s the common thing of how commoners do out here. I’m not no regular schmegular out here. That’s why I can’t do temp jobs, even the dispatchers be jealous of me trying not to send me out on assignments after I been up there since 4 am. Shit like that.

People really be jealous of me out here. And I think I physically see the matrix right in front of me. Like it’s not even funny. I can’t do no shelters, as wide open as it is out here, like it’s not meant to live out on the streets l, anywhere you go is a space for somebody to try to fuck with you if you not at home or have something to back you up. Don’t go to know cheap ass circle k cause only bums and broke people go there. Ain’t nobody reading or even talking about shit on the trains but they fucking problems and issues, and what license or if they tryna get,. It’s so irritating. Then if they see you don’t have on headphones, plus you’re not looking at them or up when someone gets on the train, here goes the conversations tryna say something to be heard, all this old stupid kindergarten shit and it’s like I could be at the flea or market or some shit meeti mg better people. I highly fucking doubt if these neighborhoods around here making eight million a week off drugs. These bums out here on the street don’t have shit. Police ain’t doing shit, all the trouble is fucking fetnyal addicts and so they treat everybody like that, they soft and weak out here in Arizona and they don’t expect nobody to retaliate or combat them. They got that same systematic approach to either try and fuck with you to see if you gon get loud, even if you just sitting there not doing nothing, it’s so many other people in the library , why this mf only over here talking about am I ok? Like, I don’t have to respond to anybody. Actually it’s best not to say anything to them cause they like arguing anyway. As stupid as they are.

It’s so annoying that I’m not even interested in the next person. Some mf carrying a fucking book bag or bag, what use is that for me?

That’s why I’m not at the shelter. It’s not healthy to be around that type of energy for too long. You there for a voucher, somewhere to stay and save your money, if it was just that, it’s doable, you can deal, I put up with it for a month, another place 3 maybe two, but realize you out here with all these people and they got all this bad energy on them, they ain’t used to nothing but sitting up not not doing anything everyday so they don’t mind looking and watching you, they don’t mind tryna make trouble for you, the bum bitches wanna feel feminine knowing that they not in the state where they’re desired, some other addict fucking on them, that’s it, then they wanna try and stand in front of me or on the other side at the desk, when it’s rude to do that when a person up here talking about tryna get a bed, bitch you have no respect, you do not know how to conduct yourself. These mfs a come up on you and touch you for no reason. Where do they do that and somebody doesn’t get shot? Like nobody said anything to them or even looked at them? What, that’s supposed to be ok just because this bitch is obviously a crack head. That’s what makes it even fucking worse! I don’t want no ducking bum touching me. But if I wild the fuck out then it’s gon have to be some explaining to do. And they like drama. It’s this light this glow about me, like I shouldn’t be around no bums at all. And when I say I dislike em and I don’t have any sympathy for them, understand I been out here homeless for five years.

And I’m extreme not tired of sharing space with other people. It causes so much unnecessary distress. And then it makes it seem so fucking small when it’s all this fucking space, then out here walking, here got all these eyes, then it seem like all these ppl just bunched up in the same spaces. Same sidewalk, same way, then they tryna act big out here like ain’t nobody feeling like ‘no, bitch you get the fuck out of MY way!’ It’s so annoying. Go up to the damn self check out thing at the library, somebody’s there. Wasn’t nobody there on my way to the restroom. How ironic is that. Then it’s like ok just cause you look at this person doesn’t mean they probably aren’t a mass shooter, but you looking up or in this persons face, who has sunglasses head covering and long clothing on, that doesn’t make you tough!

I can’t stand the simple minded behavior out here. You’re not going to see any millionaires camping out at no damn library, they can buy anything here! Only ppl that need wifi or a library card is a broke mf that really is caught up in this matrix dude. It’s so annoying.

Edit:

And then just last night/ this 1am morning some homeless, white, high dude came to the bus stop I was sleeping at at actually moved my legs to try and sit down and clear I was sleeping on the bench with my hands in my shirt and face covered. Then when I called 911 he played victim and said I hit him. Luckily the Lord was on my side, and I didn’t have any warrants because I really didn’t have to give them my ID, this dude didn’t even have a phone and was obviously a transient and I’m just tired of people like that. And out here in Arizona that seems to be how all these ppl are out here and it’s being tired of being in the same places and then all you running into all day is people trying to get your attention because you don’t look like the others and it’s like I don’t get anything from that.

And it’s this constant energy like ppl tryna get you to seem them, hope you see them so they can show you they don’t like you. They out here thinking you supposed to have an attitude and wanna be their friends just so they can try and make you feel low. Like I’m so tired of people. These type of people. They don’t have shit to offer. Mehta would a rich person or anybody who has anything going for tnhemaelves need to come to the library l? So you know the type of people that are there? Homeless, troublemaking, imbalanced, jealous, hateful, oh look at me instead, (nobody cares you exist), bums.

<Super sigh of exasperation>

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I Don’t Feel Sorry for Homeless People

Back in the beginning when homeless was fresh new, myself found itself resting on a concrete block down near skid row. This was still fresh the beginning, so I had a notebook and was journaling like a madwoman. I had this thing where I wanted to keep an archive, a collection of all of my filled journals. Growth, feelings, experiences. Even before I watched Gossip 👧 and Blair had her journal collection, I related to it, but I had always wanted to do that. Difference her was in a princess like treasure, and I was thinking more of a different feel for mine.

So here I am Down near skid row and I was feeling a bit emotionally affected because I had never seen so many tents lined up on the street before. Except that one time when we had moved down south and had a place of our own, we rode past a few bums, but the amount of homeless tents down on skid row, I felt sad for. So this was what I was writing about in my journal. I entitled it California. My first time there. My first time in Los Angeles. I didn’t know what to expect or not to expect.

Ok, so I found some shelters. Didn’t really shower, it was across the street, had to be up certain time in the morning. This was before I tried anything. It was too many ppl anyway, so it wasn’t to hang. I wasn’t trying to smoke a joint with anyone. I tried Ktoo when I didn’t have enough for a cannabis joint. No Id and wasn’t up on the dispensaries yet. At this point I wasn’t having real issues with anyone. Maybe I was going to get discovered. That was for another place in time.

Anyway, I never felt like everyone else, but I also didn’t feel like I the way now towards homeless people. Fucking bums is what they are. I’ve been homeless for five years straight, and now I’m like it’s pure laziness and I don’t feel sorry for no bum. They are annoying and out looking for nothing but trouble. Here I am states and time served later, still my same height, with a harder heart. I wish a bum would not approach me and ask me for no damn aluminum foil. They stand at the bus stops, crowd places outside that’s not there’s. They don’t own shit, and are just in the way. I absolutely hate dirty bums. Just last week a junkie came up to me and was yelling and splashed a whole bottle of water in my face. For no reason. I never said a word. It could have been a knife, maybe he had a gun in his tent, but he’s caped out by the soup kitchen and can’t just make someone move from there. That’s not rational clear thinking. And guess what the police said when they came? Oh, ‘maybe he just wanted to put you in your place, but we can’t just take him to jail’ 🌪

So, I had this on draft today is the 22nd and now I’m sitting in the bathroom at greyhound and it’s like the type of vibes in here it’s already known it’s broke, all these type of ppl want is to be next to me to try and see what type of person I am, am I low and dirty like them, feel like all these eyes on me, like all ppl tryna do is talk about me, these bitches don’t have to pee, they just coming in here, but if anybody had any money nobody would be at greyhound, and it’s like they all subtlety communicating with each other and I’m tryna block them’ out, I hate bums, phone on 9%.

All ppl be tryna do is see what they could try to make u feel low on, ain’t nobody seen me, I got the vibes though. I’m not interested in looking at them or being around them, and I don’t want no bitch next door tryna smell me in the bathroom, when these bitches walking out of here sitting on the seat not washing their hands and a bitch be tryna act like cause she take out some cheap perform or got on some pink nikes at the greyhound station bitch supposed to be doing something. They ain’t talking about shit.

It’s so annoying because I don’t like these types of people. I don’t feel sorry for them, fuck a meth head or any drug attack. They can quote a scripture, that don’t mean ima just like them, these type of people don’t feel me up, I don’t like their energy and I don’t wanna sit around shit like this festering around shit like that. It’s lazy, like jail, mental houses, and shit like that. Trouble.

Even walking down the street to get here why all these tents on the sidewalk like it irritates me, ok cause God loved them, I don’t want these type of fuckers in my face cause it’s annoying, it’s dirty and it stinks!

That’s where I’m at in. My life. I don’t feel sorry for no bums, and all this taking long shit, and waiting on other people who tryna feel like somebody without really grind stone or being nobody, it’s easy for them cause they not shit, I walk into a room ppl be mad by all the attention I draw and all they tryna do is get a reaction a switch, that’s all they about, they try to find a way in to annoy you, if you out here with them,

Do fuck greyhound and I should be out here at my absolute best. Though clothes don’t make me, that’s shit they only understand, and public transportation not saying shit. Like, I’m so over it