Not Racist it’s Just Certain People I Don’t Like

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I’m not a hateful person. I haven’t even published my book yet. I know previous posts are probably seem all over the place but in actuality with everything that I’ve experienced I’m actually in a good place and am truly favored because I refuse to give up. Even with all of the feelings of anxiety, and paranoia, and undiagnosed ptsd, I’m doing a lot better. I can’t speak for anyone else. Over the past five years I have grown selfish because you start to see that people don’t care about you I here on these streets. People just want to use you and make you feel low and expect you to feel beneath them. And when you don’t fall into any of ‘their’ categories you are automatically outcasted and it’s tough being a line Woolf, a pariah.

You got people hating on you but when you walk in the room they tryna sneak and really mirror how you are. I know I walk around like I don’t need not none mf out here, and i don’t. I smoke my cannabis, I drink my wine, I’ve even tried drugs not even for a long period of time. After almost ODing doing any other substance besides weed or alcohol was never that serious for me. So I really don’t relate to a person out here who keeps doing that, especially anything harder than meth. I’m not out here knocking nobody for whatever they do, I’m sayi mg for my own life, it’s certain shit and certain people that you don’t want to be around. And it’s a certain vibe that I don’t want lingering around me.

So when you reading and like oh look at these words like wet back and shit, ok fuck you. You’ve heard worse. You’ve said worse. Stop being a hypocrite.

You can love people from a distance. Some people aren’t capable of love. I’m not looking for no damn mexican to hand me shit. It’s a lot of them out here out west and they walk around with their chests out cause it’s a lot in number but they’re not no better than any other race. Other people sell drugs, other people do construction, they team up with the white people to try and keep that racist mentality up against black people. So now you got black people out here like the lost children of Israel, not even liking each other and black peoples have their own culture just like any other race. They want black people to feel under them.

It’s not about no damn politics, you can’t have bums living out on the streets in tents talking about no damn trump. And if a damn immigrant can come over here and have a damn business so can anybody else.

So my experiences out here in Arizona is like, fuck this place. Because you can tell their hateful, it’s all in the air. Nobody’s doing anything here but on meth, it’s hard to sell anything to anyone out here because they want black people out low and so they won’t support you. And so it just becomes fuck other races, fuck other people. And then they be tryna treat the bums like they somebody. How you gon be out here causing trouble for other people like you won’t get killed?

And so it’s a seperation, a division, and it’s really easy to see.

Idk who people are whispering to, sounds like this low whisper that people be doing to each other, like they know each other, and it’s all at the stores, places, like people see my light, and just want me to fail. So I can’t even make friends out here because these are nobody’s out on the streets and it seems people just want to be seen with me, these bums to try and hope other people on the streets see them with me.

And that’s tiring, boring, annoying.



Uncluttered Your Messy Life | Uplifting Mood from Wicked Vibrations | Rant

Currently I feel so bored with life. Being homeless is frustrating and lonely. It’s been five years and I feel like I’ve been saying that too long. Been too long around people , just constantly around people to the point I’m annoyed by other peoples presence. After a while it’s ok ok these people are crazy and don’t want anything out of life. It’s annoying. I’m not trying to complain but it’s also hot, and whenever you move you gotta take your stuff with you. It’s too hot not to have any money. And all the little things that seem to cause bigger issues. And after all of that just wanting alone time. Being careful of what I say, not talking about jail or no psychiatric hospital. Notice how all of those places are the same as homeless shelters. And reallly look into that quote about becoming who you hang around…

So it’s been scary. I don’t even know how to structure this post because I’m trying to find out why $208.53 was transferred out out of my account. So I have to get a new card. What is God up to. What am I supposed to be doing in the meantime. Cause I’m not feeling happy or fulfilled.

I have a notebook but I don’t even journal my heart out like I used to. I’ve just been holding everything in and how healthy is that. Feel like my photos in my iCloud are old and they are but I’ve been saving them til I have better clothes and not camping outside but it’s stuff like that my true authenticity that’s been my life, the real story. My big adventures.

Coming back from draft, what was I saying? Well later in the day I feel better. It’s the hounding of just people people and keeping my calm but also agitated that people just come around me, stare at me, try to block me when I’m walking. I mean that’s the point of getting my car out the tow lot to be less stressed more peaceful and in my element unperturbed by the nuisances of just everybody. It’s nobody out by the greyhound station, back here. Some guy just had to mention how he made $130 from selling weed last night. . I mean why is he telling me. Do I smoke weed. But anyway. But all of this is bypassed just having your own. W

It’s a new day and heat in the afternoon. Writing is my outlet and most of the things that go on throughout the day where you feel constantly that people are purposely trying to bother you or corner you, and be in spot where they can see and watch you. After being outside so long you see that’s how things are made and shaped, and being living outside it’s not made for that, it’s a trap a maze and all the lost people that are caught up in it, they cause trouble, even people who aren’t homeless they do the same shit homeless people do and it’s just that having the money you need keeps that type of shit more away from you. You can go home and retreat because they more you put up with the same shit and the same energy and vibes like I’m not tryna feel calicified or hardened by nobody else’s bullshit. Idk what anybody else is really doing or going through because people try to make it seem like their problems are worse than anybody’s, and I have better things to do and want to do than sit up with somebody else not seeing their own worth or being really a die hard for God, or being a better person because people make you hateful, not everybody’s the same and that friction is what causes the frustration.

So I’m sitting up here and you need to train your mind and so if this is what I’m creating then I need to change it, I can’t keep getting upset and mad by other people, but these types that’s out here are not the type of people I’m looking for anything from or to hang out with or be around. Whole time you feel they’re jealousy, I know I’m better than them and who’s going to tell me I’m not? I don’t see anything in them, these bums or anybody that I’m tryna be like. Like Oprah can bask in her wealth feel good and protect herself from bums. There’s no bums just sitting up and touching her like it’s ok and like she should like people like them. And God does for them how he does, and loving people and having good vibes is cool but not everybody is like that. And I’m not tryna be cool with these bums ex or current addicts, like this is not my crowd. They’re conversations are ugly and it’s so much better in the world to look at than a mf tryna stand and ‘face you’ just to be in your line of sight or challenge you. I don’t say shit to them, I look at the environment that I’m in. Then I’m like ok maybe it’s someone here, not like me, but do they have their head on straight, do you see better than your current situation, do you have hope and faith beyond what’s in front of you, the type of motivating people that don’t care how everybody’s looking at them they’re full of life and smiles and can scream and shout for God with out that underlying oh just because that’s what people aren’t used to they tone it down, how else will it get done differently ? I’m tied of being around simple minded people. Tired of simple minded people being around me. I’m glad to be free from jail, that’s not my topic of conversation, that’s hurt and pain and not how I lead my life. Most times I’ve been in trouble been because of my reaction off how a bum came and tried me and caused trouble for me most likely because that person was jealous of me.

I grew up in a fast city of crimes and we were homeless for a short time as youth but we never been around people just out right next to them or them in your face just up and able to stand next to you, and you don’t want o be around people like this for long. And notice how they’ll stand around for a period of time and people start showing up or trying to be around you start popping up out of nowhere it’s really strange. People have came up to me while I was sitting on the concrete and just came and stood over me, like I was supposed to notice them or look ‘up’ at them or something. People touching you on the train, and as much violent things that happen in transportation, you sit quiet to not get into a fight but what this person did, violating your space is wrong. And these people be bums and really just have no space in life and they can only move out with other bums cause if you not out here not like no bum less you gotta deal with dirty bums.

So that’s what’s frustrating about it. Over the years I’ve just I just hate homless people, they just trouble, dirty, they’re lazy, and I guess people free funding or tax breaks or whatever they do for the non profits but I don’t feel for that either, because I’ve had people that work at places like that take food from, free food out of my hands. And they treat people like they’re children, animals, something beneath, and I cringe at that. It’s resources out here, but also it’s like going to those places, they’re used to dealing with drug addicts and everybody being half minded or not all the way there and that’s how those people are, and they’re really not at a high place. These people are slaves to their 9-5, people become where they work at, and everybody’s not rich or wealthy. And that being, you can’t expect everybody’s aim to be the same. Everybody tryna fit in and feel like somebody but not everybody doings the work. And people try to categorize, I’m at this church where I’m sleeping at and I’m the only black girl here. So it’s like the white bitches tryna walk by with boots heels on, like she came all the way from the back door just to cross in front of me, and most likely she’s a crackhead meth head but want to feel pretty and seen by everybody, when really it’s me. I got meat on my bones, my brown skin is shining and it’s like they wanna feel next to me, and I don’t feel that way. There wasn’t a reason to come out the back door just to walk in front of me across the grass. You know all that little stuff that’s supposed to look causual when really they’re just mad because I’m not trying to be their friend. Can’t engage with that. And that’s what brings success. See these type of people not talking about success and being greater, all they know is tryna play games. One tryna see you here off this corner and all that. Wanna use innuendos while they talk around you, but get you some headphones, that can’t effect you. Be mindful of what you put or let pass through your mind.

So that’s my rant on being super annoyed by other people. It’s not just ha but people don’t be all the way, they hard to trust, and ain’t no trusting no crackhead. People change I guess but I’m not about to sit up here and care about that when my emotional well being is like vital to my health and because I don’t want to be bothered with just any old body my day is affected. And I have to be careful of that. I don’t talk to anybody, I mean converse really, and I pick and choose who I open up to, and most times people just think they just know, like the guy this morning talking about what he knew of the Bible but couldn’t tell me what the key to the kingdom of heaven was… and it’s like he’s one of those ones that follows anything, wanna be made feel special m, like everybody but it’s like, he said he just do as he told. It’s so annoying. But anyway. In this type of environment there’s no one in it to look up to. There’s no tryna relate to them and they wanna do is feel over you, they know they’re trashy and addicted and wasn’t somebody to feel sorry for them not trying, or wanting to care and they no regards for other people,”. My trying isn’t like they’re trying, so I really don’t care. The issue is having more money in abundance to protect my space and energy from people like them. I don’t like bums. And nobody out on the courtyard reading, but feel like ervybody looking at me… y’all don’t understand.