Everything is a game. Everybody in they spot to play and they better do it on cue. They pay you to bump into somebody else or say a word, but they gon turn on you too,
Type it for me, I’ll think it,
Show me magic
Everything is a game. Everybody in they spot to play and they better do it on cue. They pay you to bump into somebody else or say a word, but they gon turn on you too,
Type it for me, I’ll think it,
Show me magic
Ugh. I’m so disgusted and annoyed. And I wouldn’t even feel this way if I was already at home, relaxed, I have everything I need, peace and quiet, you know, how you be at home.
But being out here on the streets, you working on everything from, home, career and self, and in the meantime you gotta put up with all these other people out here who don’t have a clue of self and so all you feel attacked, all the time. Police, fighting, arguments, all that shit comes from low vibrational creatures and mfs out here who are lacking. Nobody who isn’t worried about if they have enough for parking are out on public transportation. So you out riding it and so these mfs be in competition with each other.
I already feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. And so since I’m sitting off by myself, you don’t see too much of that out here, outside on the streets and it’s like people want to bother that. You’ll see people just pop up out the blue and stand and lurk around you for no reason. They’ll try and come up with a stupid question, and there a bum, some blue pill smoking ass addict, tryna ask you for a cigarette.
I’m so tired of bums it’s like, they make me angry because, I’m sleeping at the bus stop and hear mfs the only ones walking around in the middle of th night. So my own issue is finances. So that being my only thing, I don’t give a fuck about who else is suffering out here on the streets because because he Freddy for other peoples energies. And these same ones that be out smoking and everybody feeling sorry for be the main ones causing stress and chaos and bullshit because they don’t know how to handle themselves. Just yesterday some stupid mexican bitch pushed a security guard into me after he asked me to leave cause this hit was yelling at ME talking about oh she defending Mexico. Now when she like oh let’s meet outside and I met her and this bitch still standing there talking shit, I could have been someone to really stick it to her. So now I gotta go to court next week to defend myself, like bitch you can’t get mad because you mad about what somebody saying about mexican. FUCK A GOTDAMN MEXCIAN.
They be out here talking shit tryna hurt people with words all the time, now all of sudden these wet back fuckers wanna get offensive? They don’t own this fucking country. They not the only ones who work or own businesses. They not the one true race, don’t nobody care about being no fucking mexicain , don’t nobody give a fuck about Mexico.
I’m saying that because I’m over on the west coast, Arizona. And so it’s mostly like interracial shit if you do see black peoples fucking with them. And it’s like they be tryna seem nice to seem like a a savior or nice group of people, when really they want to snag a black person to enslave them mentally and want all the others to see them.
These mfs don’t be NOBODY. Do you know how many people wish they were famous or could get noticed on Hollywood blvd? So nobody has time to entertain bums off the street. So the solution is to not be out here with them. They don’t have no fucking money, only bums come to the library, so you know it’s only bullshit here. And all the other places where broke, bum, basic mfs come to. Tired of being crowded by bums and they too fucking needy. Want somebody to look at them too bad. Don’t be having shit going on. At least in L.A. you got a couple dudes tryna sell knicks and knacks on the train, out here in Phoenix these mfs ain’t doing shit but smoking fucking pills. That shit stinks and it’s fucking ugly. So all it is is you surrounded by zombies unless you have a car. And these mfs got these lil part times, and ssi, and they tryna fill up the positions with just mexicans, so it’s nothing but bullshit all around.
It’s just annoying and then you be like fuck people because all they tryna do is make you feel low so it’s like, bitch you not my race, well fuck, you, fuck you. And so it’s like you got to beat them another way. They no smarter than nobody else. It ain’t nothing but negative energy out here and so it’s like, whatever whisper energy they on, and all that oh everybody supposed to know some secret code, and every head nodding and shit, bitch I’m not listening to no voices in nobody else head. That’s not my issue. And all they be doing is tryna spread they misery. How you gon be out here smoking heroin for 25 years then think yo logic putting up with somebody that’s not doing that. Then kids be tryna play smart but it’s like ok, you tryna read adult body movements, why you ain’t no child prodigy? Fuck that.
They sitting up here tryna act like witches and wizards and don’t have shit. Why feel like everybody talking about you? These mfs can’t fuck with you if you not around that shit they try to dish out. They can only try to be in competition with each other. They can’t get to no higher level. So me not fitting in out here, they like tryna target me because I seem like fresh pure meat. I’m not tryna be seen by them, I don’t need their validation or opinion and that’s what they be expecting. Then they see, oh you a tough black cookie, they wanna try to disarm you and play nice. Whole time you see the demon in they’re face. And I’m just tired of playing thee games. That’s why I don’t talk to nobody out here. And yet and still be running into issues with these fucking bums.
Bitch obviously yo ass ain’t get you no ride or got no rich dude pulling over to pick you up or order you no Uber to take you where you going. So don’t be tryna stand at the crosswalk tryna seem more seen than me cause you you still walking. And that’s all they be doing. They can’t reason logic because they’re stupid.
And I mean it’s like no break, first one train comes then the next one don’t come til 20 minutes so now these mfs over here tryna get your attention the whole ducking time, I’m just chilling here, it’s really nowhere else to chill, phone just died, and you know there’s no three prongs or isb ports, so it’s nothing to entertain. Unless I crack open a book, but that draws more attention it feels like, or that’s not holding my attention cause I just wanna be at home so bad then like I keep mentioning all that’s out here are drug addicts. Out here carrying all type of weight and Demond and skeletons and you don’t wanna be out here just absorbing everybody else’s shit. I don’t understand why being out here homeless when God knows I can’t stand just being out here like this. I don’t even want them sitting around me, because it’s not pleasant. It’s very annoying. You see them out of your peripheral and it’s like all they want is a glance but who the fuck are they when I don’t get any type of fulfillment off of that. I guess I’m the only different one standing out out here. Because I don’t feel the need or compelled to wanna engage with them. They either looking to steal, or fuck with you, hoping you smoke like them. What type of shit, what type of joy does bei mg around or hanging around people out on the streets who ain’t doing nothing but smoking dope?
I mean I would rather be at home. Honestly. I mean after five years of homelessness, wouldn’t you feel the same? You’d get tired of this right? And jail ain’t no quiet place. Same type of mfs in there cause they the same ones out on the streets getting arrested. And so you don’t have anybody to talk to. You don’t have anybody to relate to and it’s sad and depressing, and then on top of that you constantly running into people all day. All you ask yourself is what am I gaining from this? I mean cause I can just chill by myself, I don’t need nobody sitting around me I don’t know, don’t like, tryna be around my calm. Cause I feel agitated and not wanting to share my peace and calm. I mean I know it’s the bus stop but damn. But in actuality out here isn’t a secure safe haven for me. Thank God for grace and mercy and shield of protection over my life. I haven’t s’en not one, well yeah a person sort of made me laugh today. And I even got a mini quick sketch portrait. Second time someone out here wanted to draw me. But even still. I mean what’s the advancement of being around other homeless people. The task is to find as much pretty in it as I can, but honestly it’s draining, it’s ugly, the last time I probably had a shower was maybe two weeks ago. Maybe. I did that last month. I have a body odor. This cotton shirt is hot.
And then there’s this pressure, that you want to get off your back. Feeling like people watching you, talking about you, then there’s tiny moments where it’s quiet you don’t feel like that. And sometimes there’s these small whispers from people that be like ‘we’re in your head’ then a movement from somebody off in the corner, and it’s just so annoying and distracting and I have better things to do with my time. I don’t give a fuck what this person is doing or looks like. More than likely they just want my attention. And they don’t mind staring at you, hoping you react to their little jerk movements or whatever. So yeah l. And then you don’t look up because you’re just writing this entry on the phone. Then the doors on the train close, oh but look here comes someone m that you haven’t looked up at and suddenly they just want you to look at them, oh now it’s ’what’s up family’? I guess cause you didn’t look up at them, so some bitch can feel special walking on the platform with their ‘man’, it’s so annoying.
At this point I don’t even care about friends. Except the right ones, you the 40 and the rest go them… ugh and then the one just walked back, but it’s a calculated ‘huh’ to stop and turn around and look at you just at the point where it’s standing right in your face, you ever notice that? No, because you’re not out camping at the damn metro rail station.
Could have toook the other way around on the other front side of the platform,
Like this video:
See how the guy went the other way with the bike? He came the same way they came from, but instead they approached me and tried to squeeze past me and my bike, I’m looking the total other way, where the camera was facing after the bitch pushed past me, and that’s why they did that, wanting my attention so bad. Was it that necessary just to get on the last car of the train ? And that’s what people be doing. Do get some type of reaction. I guess it was supposed to mean something cause tu is bitch was light skinned with curly hair but you see the vibes. Anybody who doesn’t have time for that drama, you won’t catch them tryna out stand somebody on the platform. I recorded that because they came my way. All this space and they wanted to stand at the whole need of the platform with me, just to push pst me? And her feet was ashy, so bitch if you would walk out the house with ashy feet you obviously aren’t a high class woman therefore don’t deserve respect and just a cheap ass bitch, their whole mentality is war, unnecessary competition (there’s none) and pettiness. That’s why they or still out here catching the train.
And there are other videos I have but it’s not compared to what I actually deal with on a daily basis. I’m just tired of it being so crowded with the wrong shit and the wrong vibes and the wrong people.
Then you got everybody camping out at the same spots, same areas, cause it’s really nowhere to go. And I’m grateful for perfect eyesight, I wear my shades nearly day and night, not wanting people staring from afar tryna look at my eyes for a whole 2inute ride, causing more unnecessary paranoia, so I stand out more with the shades on attracting all this attention, and you don’t see too many people wearing shades out here even though it’s hot ass Arizona. And so, there’s this whole train route from Mesa to fucking Phoenix and along the whole thing it’s nothing but homeless drug addicts, at all the damn stops. Nowhere to camp out or hide your phone, you bet not get no damn tent cause how are you going to keep up with that, I’ve had a tent stolen, with a suitcase in it, or maybe the warehouse threw it away, but I didn’t see it. I can’t camp out in no tent all day. So you riding the train, especially if you miss that 4am when the temp place opens just to sit there til three hours later if you even get sent out on an assignment and then you might because they sending out the mexicans or who they like more. And how toxic it feels to your morning being around people like that. These mugs at the temp place struggling. Ain’t got no conversation, you can feel that negative dry energy and don’t want people like that around your space, especially that early. And peoples vibes travel, but you gotta build that wall, and that’s probably why I’m so fed up because this is how it’s been for fives years.
I hardly keep up with the news, i mean I’m already dealing with this, but it rained yesterday, and now the wind is blowing and it feels cooler than the day, though it felt like a typical hot Arizona day all day. But I was just like, yeah this breeze feels nice. I’m just wanting to snack on something but then I’d have to get back on the train, ride it, walk to the store, then wait 20 minutes to come back. Like it’s so unnecessarily feel like that small shit be a chore but, I may just avec to wait until tomorrow to get something to eat.
Then you wanna enjoy your precious days. Not just sitting up hoping for tomorrow to get here or to be closer to tomorrow. That’s how jail feels. You have to find something to do. Something to keep yourself up. Be lucky to be around to be around people you love.
And cracking open this book, it’s like you don’t want anyone to see you studying, out here. I went to the library today. Thankful it’s one that’s open on Sunday’s here. But my phone drained because of the slow charging charger I have. Little inconveniences. Like not having headphones. And watching what goes back and forth through your ears. Cause if people think you can hear them and you’re not looking at them their joy getting no type of nothing from you off you, all that shit just bouncing off you, they wanna make some noise. Then it don’t be about shit. Hate to even use the word hate but hate to even have to overhear it because it’s like stfu you’re not making any sense. It’s to a pint where it’s like no, I do not have sympathy for them out here. I really don’t. And my thing is is that I’m trying so hard to care for my own personal well being, emotionally to wear if I don’t want it put up with people at temp job I won’t go. I want to be an entrepreneur but do you think you’d get any guidance from a sensible person out on the streets. No one wants to feel used. So you just be tryna look for better people. Want the wrong ones to leave you alone and get out of your face. Know I might be funky, which I’m rarely even without showering for a little while, but showering actually makes you happier studies show.
When I write these posts, I mean there was drought. Lost passwords to other blog logins. But blogging is something I really wanted to take serious and this is just what I’m dealing with in the meantime and I’m really just looking forward past everything to really be at home. And I have to be cautious because even certain complexes I don’t want to be in because of the type of people that live there. Plus with my background. I mean I didn’t start getting in trouble until I started off as being transient. So over the course of five years there have been me getting arrested . People bothering me really. Me being by myself. Sensitive. Stupid shit.
And even with that, I don’t go to no therapist, I write I journal. I used to a lot more than I do now, and since losing so many journals, poems, to the point where everything I have on me now is everything I own and absolutely have right now. I don’t carry suitcases, try not to carry extra bags, I just wake up and go. Can’t deal with no shelter. I’ve had brand news pairs of vans stolen after wearing the same shoes damn near a month and a half, then got a job at the museum in NY and first paycheck got me a fresh new pair of vans. Come back from the shower one morning it’s time to be out at 7, fucking shoes gone from in front of the bed. 4 people in a room, plenty people on the same floor, people be coming to see other people from the other floors as well. But that’s another.
Even if you’re not, I have to leave a note here on earth that I exist. Otherwise what has this lonely journey been for? Can’t be just to hurt and lose? While some drug addict feels joy off causing a disruption tryna walk towards me as I’m walking? Hmm.
I’m not a hateful person. I haven’t even published my book yet. I know previous posts are probably seem all over the place but in actuality with everything that I’ve experienced I’m actually in a good place and am truly favored because I refuse to give up. Even with all of the feelings of anxiety, and paranoia, and undiagnosed ptsd, I’m doing a lot better. I can’t speak for anyone else. Over the past five years I have grown selfish because you start to see that people don’t care about you I here on these streets. People just want to use you and make you feel low and expect you to feel beneath them. And when you don’t fall into any of ‘their’ categories you are automatically outcasted and it’s tough being a line Woolf, a pariah.
You got people hating on you but when you walk in the room they tryna sneak and really mirror how you are. I know I walk around like I don’t need not none mf out here, and i don’t. I smoke my cannabis, I drink my wine, I’ve even tried drugs not even for a long period of time. After almost ODing doing any other substance besides weed or alcohol was never that serious for me. So I really don’t relate to a person out here who keeps doing that, especially anything harder than meth. I’m not out here knocking nobody for whatever they do, I’m sayi mg for my own life, it’s certain shit and certain people that you don’t want to be around. And it’s a certain vibe that I don’t want lingering around me.
So when you reading and like oh look at these words like wet back and shit, ok fuck you. You’ve heard worse. You’ve said worse. Stop being a hypocrite.
You can love people from a distance. Some people aren’t capable of love. I’m not looking for no damn mexican to hand me shit. It’s a lot of them out here out west and they walk around with their chests out cause it’s a lot in number but they’re not no better than any other race. Other people sell drugs, other people do construction, they team up with the white people to try and keep that racist mentality up against black people. So now you got black people out here like the lost children of Israel, not even liking each other and black peoples have their own culture just like any other race. They want black people to feel under them.
It’s not about no damn politics, you can’t have bums living out on the streets in tents talking about no damn trump. And if a damn immigrant can come over here and have a damn business so can anybody else.
So my experiences out here in Arizona is like, fuck this place. Because you can tell their hateful, it’s all in the air. Nobody’s doing anything here but on meth, it’s hard to sell anything to anyone out here because they want black people out low and so they won’t support you. And so it just becomes fuck other races, fuck other people. And then they be tryna treat the bums like they somebody. How you gon be out here causing trouble for other people like you won’t get killed?
And so it’s a seperation, a division, and it’s really easy to see.
Idk who people are whispering to, sounds like this low whisper that people be doing to each other, like they know each other, and it’s all at the stores, places, like people see my light, and just want me to fail. So I can’t even make friends out here because these are nobody’s out on the streets and it seems people just want to be seen with me, these bums to try and hope other people on the streets see them with me.
And that’s tiring, boring, annoying.
In so tired of these any and every bodies out here. It’s like if you are trying to get something going for yourself you gots to filter and suck and dodge everybody else that’s out here. If you’re smart you should already know who and what who isn’t good for you out here. Crackhead fucker that doesn’t… what was I saying because I just went to the restroom at the library…
Yeah, but it’s just so annoying because you every type of anybody out here. You can sit up here be nice, cordial, kind, and all that but you can’t always guarantee that the next person is just off over here by you on good intentions. Now, to keep up with the law of attraction I mean you can’t be conjuring up bad thoughts. On top of that with whatever you’re dealing with you have to be positive about. Even though you know this hype, most like fentanyl smoking addict is over by here by the bus top looking for drugs or either trying to fuck with you because it’s already high or fucked up.
Now, if you’re lucky enough to have a car or an apt, even if you’re low on funds, going to a job you hate, hey, at lost you’re not out here exposed to the dangers the worries the uncomfortably of being out here with strangers. And too if you’re not black because it’s like they still subtlety trying to make shit hard for black people. And so it’s noticing all this shit, having to deal with it and still trying to find somewhere to live l, I mean it’s set up to set you over the edges
You don’t have any friends. Your family can’t help because I mean I come from good people, one of my parents was an addict and I know for a fact it’s been not used in over twenty years. And that family member is near and dear to me and still had more sense than a lot of these fiends out here thinking somebody just supposed to come by and lift them all the way up, care so much, to where they’re not homeless, people aren’t treating them left out because they’re black, I mean it’s irrational.
So you got these people out here in competition with each other. But the only somebody a bitch at circle k can ‘compete’ with is another bitch at circle k. Because any bitch that’s got anything going for herself you gon try your best to avoid unnecessary areas and you already know what type of people hang out at circle k. They don’t even have quality products it’s just high as hell like 7-eleven. So, you know you black, got on bum clothes cause you haven’t showered in a week or so, then you come up in here and these bitches just got up out the bed, probably off today l, like anybody is supposed to know that, but this bitch think that, and whatever the fuck it might the thinking who cares because the bitch on fetnyal anyway, so it’s like, they get big chested and want to put on a whole show for thé block girl.
Everybody wants to show you how they don’t like you. Black dudes look at the light skinned and Mexican girls instead. Even if the bitch sitting off on the curb, broke, they’ll give tu is bitch ‘courtesy attention’ like if this shit was about courtesy attention, it a be a bunch of millionaires out here tryna get everybody off the the streets for free. Since not bitch, you gotta hustle, and you gotta know what’s right and good for you. If you don’t you better tap into your intuition.
People out here not shit. And I’m dealing with it from allow vantage point, right now. I don’t have nobody taking me in, I don’t have a hotel room or even a stable job right now. I can’t even deal with emotionally working around these type of people for 8 hours because they be tryna make shit harder than it needs to be for 8 hours. It’s a little cooler if you in Atlanta and it’s more black people than hating ass evil Mexicans but you don’t want o be out there without no car either. Because those trains and buses be where bums at, going nowhere, people mad starting shit and the people working there just like the people on the streets and they live drama. They live sending a mf off with no justice, ohh this person bumped into you there’s nothing we can do, but let you have a hammer l, let you have a gun, what now? I can resolve this shit, then you gotta deal with part work and questioning, but everybody’s blind eyed to these nobodies out here fucking with people.
I can’t stand the sight of a fucking bum. And I’m not tryna block my blessings by talking about this shit and how much it bothers me. I hate bums I can’t stand people out here, they ain’t no help, it’s certain people you meet with certain clothes on, it’s nothing but addicts out here at the street. All the neighborhood mfs out here, everybody wanna seem like they run the block, all out here in punk ass Phoenix, it’s not city like where I’m from, and even still I don’t feel comfortable sleeping out on the sidewalks.
I don’t want these mfs walking around me at 1-3 in the morning, cause all they doing is looking for somebody to fuck with and steal. Who the fuck wants to be bothered with these type of people? Sure the drug dealers live em, but I mean really nobody wants to be bothered with no fucked drugged out mindless fucking fiend. Even sitting on the train a few stops of too fucking long to be around people like that. They be talking to voices and all type of shit them want somebody to feel that misery with them. Then they wanna hop in front of you to feel seems and all this shit, ok Hollywood next state over, cause you not shit out here. And it’s so annoying. To where of you not out there at the temp agency at 4am all the vrackheads get the work assignments and then you wait all day til the next day with no money for weed, your only drug of choice, don’t want no alcohol and you out here broke with no friends, and nowhere to hide, and these high broke people around you. No inspiration just straight bullshit. Cause if it’s not a bum it’s a mf walking j’y thinking they trying supposed to be so apparent and noticed and just because tu eu have on what looks like clean clothes everybody supposed to know they not homeless, everybody just supposed to guess. But fuck that mf too. Cause the only way you seeing this mf is on the train. So everybody else off in the cars doesn’t see this person, so how important is that non factor ? See, that’s what I’m saying.
So I may be dealing with anxiety and depression and not even know it. Cause that just can’t sit up here and be a problem and all that would make me feel calm is being in my house comfortable locking my door and not coming out or being bothered until I want to. After five years of straight homelessness I mean, fuck what anybody else has going on, at this point I’m selfish l, like completely. Ain’t nobody helping me or guiding me to do shit. Trying to pray and keep faith and yet still encountering these demons still with nowhere to call home, perfectly healthy. Then I mean mad ass disabled people out here arguing and shit like damn all I said excuse did you have an extra dollar, you mad cause you don’t have two legs, hmm maybe I don’t have as much problem after all!
So it’s like, after losing so many journals, my writings mean a lot to me because I don’t have friends. You can see this is why I blog. I think if I talk about this on YouTube people wouldn’t really relate because it’s like you have a job, a family, real support. Out here with nothing nobody l, everybody is against you. Everybody’s tryna use you,”. After all you’re your on person. It’s not cool being stabbed by a narcissist. How do you explain it’s not because you didn’t do anything but because that person is a narcissistic. Like I have no journals. After five years of homelessness this should be a academy award winning movie right now. A best selling book man. Do you realize how much this situation takes out of you?
You don’t even want to sit at the fucking library anymore because it’s nothing but a fucking motel for all the homeless mfs out here. You don’t want to sit at the park because they’re all on drugs, broke, probably live around there but lonely, same type of ain’t shit ain’t got shit type of people. You don’t see nobody reading or really joyful or having a good time. Then you don’t want nobody tryna come over and disturb what little good you can find to yourself. So it’s depressing. The doctors don’t care l. They just like the mfs at circle k, just want a check. Ain’t nobody loving on you or touching on you right, on your period and haven’t showered now you’re hot, mad and bleeding 🩸, just ugh.
So it’s only 1pm right now, I really don’t care. Temp agency opens at 4am tomorrow. Though the Google maps ad says 5… I got there at 6 today………