And I mean it’s like no break, first one train comes then the next one don’t come til 20 minutes so now these mfs over here tryna get your attention the whole ducking time, I’m just chilling here, it’s really nowhere else to chill, phone just died, and you know there’s no three prongs or isb ports, so it’s nothing to entertain. Unless I crack open a book, but that draws more attention it feels like, or that’s not holding my attention cause I just wanna be at home so bad then like I keep mentioning all that’s out here are drug addicts. Out here carrying all type of weight and Demond and skeletons and you don’t wanna be out here just absorbing everybody else’s shit. I don’t understand why being out here homeless when God knows I can’t stand just being out here like this. I don’t even want them sitting around me, because it’s not pleasant. It’s very annoying. You see them out of your peripheral and it’s like all they want is a glance but who the fuck are they when I don’t get any type of fulfillment off of that. I guess I’m the only different one standing out out here. Because I don’t feel the need or compelled to wanna engage with them. They either looking to steal, or fuck with you, hoping you smoke like them. What type of shit, what type of joy does bei mg around or hanging around people out on the streets who ain’t doing nothing but smoking dope?
I mean I would rather be at home. Honestly. I mean after five years of homelessness, wouldn’t you feel the same? You’d get tired of this right? And jail ain’t no quiet place. Same type of mfs in there cause they the same ones out on the streets getting arrested. And so you don’t have anybody to talk to. You don’t have anybody to relate to and it’s sad and depressing, and then on top of that you constantly running into people all day. All you ask yourself is what am I gaining from this? I mean cause I can just chill by myself, I don’t need nobody sitting around me I don’t know, don’t like, tryna be around my calm. Cause I feel agitated and not wanting to share my peace and calm. I mean I know it’s the bus stop but damn. But in actuality out here isn’t a secure safe haven for me. Thank God for grace and mercy and shield of protection over my life. I haven’t s’en not one, well yeah a person sort of made me laugh today. And I even got a mini quick sketch portrait. Second time someone out here wanted to draw me. But even still. I mean what’s the advancement of being around other homeless people. The task is to find as much pretty in it as I can, but honestly it’s draining, it’s ugly, the last time I probably had a shower was maybe two weeks ago. Maybe. I did that last month. I have a body odor. This cotton shirt is hot.
And then there’s this pressure, that you want to get off your back. Feeling like people watching you, talking about you, then there’s tiny moments where it’s quiet you don’t feel like that. And sometimes there’s these small whispers from people that be like ‘we’re in your head’ then a movement from somebody off in the corner, and it’s just so annoying and distracting and I have better things to do with my time. I don’t give a fuck what this person is doing or looks like. More than likely they just want my attention. And they don’t mind staring at you, hoping you react to their little jerk movements or whatever. So yeah l. And then you don’t look up because you’re just writing this entry on the phone. Then the doors on the train close, oh but look here comes someone m that you haven’t looked up at and suddenly they just want you to look at them, oh now it’s ’what’s up family’? I guess cause you didn’t look up at them, so some bitch can feel special walking on the platform with their ‘man’, it’s so annoying.
At this point I don’t even care about friends. Except the right ones, you the 40 and the rest go them… ugh and then the one just walked back, but it’s a calculated ‘huh’ to stop and turn around and look at you just at the point where it’s standing right in your face, you ever notice that? No, because you’re not out camping at the damn metro rail station.
Could have toook the other way around on the other front side of the platform,
Like this video:
See how the guy went the other way with the bike? He came the same way they came from, but instead they approached me and tried to squeeze past me and my bike, I’m looking the total other way, where the camera was facing after the bitch pushed past me, and that’s why they did that, wanting my attention so bad. Was it that necessary just to get on the last car of the train ? And that’s what people be doing. Do get some type of reaction. I guess it was supposed to mean something cause tu is bitch was light skinned with curly hair but you see the vibes. Anybody who doesn’t have time for that drama, you won’t catch them tryna out stand somebody on the platform. I recorded that because they came my way. All this space and they wanted to stand at the whole need of the platform with me, just to push pst me? And her feet was ashy, so bitch if you would walk out the house with ashy feet you obviously aren’t a high class woman therefore don’t deserve respect and just a cheap ass bitch, their whole mentality is war, unnecessary competition (there’s none) and pettiness. That’s why they or still out here catching the train.
And there are other videos I have but it’s not compared to what I actually deal with on a daily basis. I’m just tired of it being so crowded with the wrong shit and the wrong vibes and the wrong people.
Then you got everybody camping out at the same spots, same areas, cause it’s really nowhere to go. And I’m grateful for perfect eyesight, I wear my shades nearly day and night, not wanting people staring from afar tryna look at my eyes for a whole 2inute ride, causing more unnecessary paranoia, so I stand out more with the shades on attracting all this attention, and you don’t see too many people wearing shades out here even though it’s hot ass Arizona. And so, there’s this whole train route from Mesa to fucking Phoenix and along the whole thing it’s nothing but homeless drug addicts, at all the damn stops. Nowhere to camp out or hide your phone, you bet not get no damn tent cause how are you going to keep up with that, I’ve had a tent stolen, with a suitcase in it, or maybe the warehouse threw it away, but I didn’t see it. I can’t camp out in no tent all day. So you riding the train, especially if you miss that 4am when the temp place opens just to sit there til three hours later if you even get sent out on an assignment and then you might because they sending out the mexicans or who they like more. And how toxic it feels to your morning being around people like that. These mugs at the temp place struggling. Ain’t got no conversation, you can feel that negative dry energy and don’t want people like that around your space, especially that early. And peoples vibes travel, but you gotta build that wall, and that’s probably why I’m so fed up because this is how it’s been for fives years.
I hardly keep up with the news, i mean I’m already dealing with this, but it rained yesterday, and now the wind is blowing and it feels cooler than the day, though it felt like a typical hot Arizona day all day. But I was just like, yeah this breeze feels nice. I’m just wanting to snack on something but then I’d have to get back on the train, ride it, walk to the store, then wait 20 minutes to come back. Like it’s so unnecessarily feel like that small shit be a chore but, I may just avec to wait until tomorrow to get something to eat.
Then you wanna enjoy your precious days. Not just sitting up hoping for tomorrow to get here or to be closer to tomorrow. That’s how jail feels. You have to find something to do. Something to keep yourself up. Be lucky to be around to be around people you love.
And cracking open this book, it’s like you don’t want anyone to see you studying, out here. I went to the library today. Thankful it’s one that’s open on Sunday’s here. But my phone drained because of the slow charging charger I have. Little inconveniences. Like not having headphones. And watching what goes back and forth through your ears. Cause if people think you can hear them and you’re not looking at them their joy getting no type of nothing from you off you, all that shit just bouncing off you, they wanna make some noise. Then it don’t be about shit. Hate to even use the word hate but hate to even have to overhear it because it’s like stfu you’re not making any sense. It’s to a pint where it’s like no, I do not have sympathy for them out here. I really don’t. And my thing is is that I’m trying so hard to care for my own personal well being, emotionally to wear if I don’t want it put up with people at temp job I won’t go. I want to be an entrepreneur but do you think you’d get any guidance from a sensible person out on the streets. No one wants to feel used. So you just be tryna look for better people. Want the wrong ones to leave you alone and get out of your face. Know I might be funky, which I’m rarely even without showering for a little while, but showering actually makes you happier studies show.
When I write these posts, I mean there was drought. Lost passwords to other blog logins. But blogging is something I really wanted to take serious and this is just what I’m dealing with in the meantime and I’m really just looking forward past everything to really be at home. And I have to be cautious because even certain complexes I don’t want to be in because of the type of people that live there. Plus with my background. I mean I didn’t start getting in trouble until I started off as being transient. So over the course of five years there have been me getting arrested . People bothering me really. Me being by myself. Sensitive. Stupid shit.
And even with that, I don’t go to no therapist, I write I journal. I used to a lot more than I do now, and since losing so many journals, poems, to the point where everything I have on me now is everything I own and absolutely have right now. I don’t carry suitcases, try not to carry extra bags, I just wake up and go. Can’t deal with no shelter. I’ve had brand news pairs of vans stolen after wearing the same shoes damn near a month and a half, then got a job at the museum in NY and first paycheck got me a fresh new pair of vans. Come back from the shower one morning it’s time to be out at 7, fucking shoes gone from in front of the bed. 4 people in a room, plenty people on the same floor, people be coming to see other people from the other floors as well. But that’s another.
Even if you’re not, I have to leave a note here on earth that I exist. Otherwise what has this lonely journey been for? Can’t be just to hurt and lose? While some drug addict feels joy off causing a disruption tryna walk towards me as I’m walking? Hmm.