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Uncluttered Your Messy Life | Uplifting Mood from Wicked Vibrations | Rant

Currently I feel so bored with life. Being homeless is frustrating and lonely. It’s been five years and I feel like I’ve been saying that too long. Been too long around people , just constantly around people to the point I’m annoyed by other peoples presence. After a while it’s ok ok these people are crazy and don’t want anything out of life. It’s annoying. I’m not trying to complain but it’s also hot, and whenever you move you gotta take your stuff with you. It’s too hot not to have any money. And all the little things that seem to cause bigger issues. And after all of that just wanting alone time. Being careful of what I say, not talking about jail or no psychiatric hospital. Notice how all of those places are the same as homeless shelters. And reallly look into that quote about becoming who you hang around…

So it’s been scary. I don’t even know how to structure this post because I’m trying to find out why $208.53 was transferred out out of my account. So I have to get a new card. What is God up to. What am I supposed to be doing in the meantime. Cause I’m not feeling happy or fulfilled.

I have a notebook but I don’t even journal my heart out like I used to. I’ve just been holding everything in and how healthy is that. Feel like my photos in my iCloud are old and they are but I’ve been saving them til I have better clothes and not camping outside but it’s stuff like that my true authenticity that’s been my life, the real story. My big adventures.

Coming back from draft, what was I saying? Well later in the day I feel better. It’s the hounding of just people people and keeping my calm but also agitated that people just come around me, stare at me, try to block me when I’m walking. I mean that’s the point of getting my car out the tow lot to be less stressed more peaceful and in my element unperturbed by the nuisances of just everybody. It’s nobody out by the greyhound station, back here. Some guy just had to mention how he made $130 from selling weed last night. . I mean why is he telling me. Do I smoke weed. But anyway. But all of this is bypassed just having your own. W

It’s a new day and heat in the afternoon. Writing is my outlet and most of the things that go on throughout the day where you feel constantly that people are purposely trying to bother you or corner you, and be in spot where they can see and watch you. After being outside so long you see that’s how things are made and shaped, and being living outside it’s not made for that, it’s a trap a maze and all the lost people that are caught up in it, they cause trouble, even people who aren’t homeless they do the same shit homeless people do and it’s just that having the money you need keeps that type of shit more away from you. You can go home and retreat because they more you put up with the same shit and the same energy and vibes like I’m not tryna feel calicified or hardened by nobody else’s bullshit. Idk what anybody else is really doing or going through because people try to make it seem like their problems are worse than anybody’s, and I have better things to do and want to do than sit up with somebody else not seeing their own worth or being really a die hard for God, or being a better person because people make you hateful, not everybody’s the same and that friction is what causes the frustration.

So I’m sitting up here and you need to train your mind and so if this is what I’m creating then I need to change it, I can’t keep getting upset and mad by other people, but these types that’s out here are not the type of people I’m looking for anything from or to hang out with or be around. Whole time you feel they’re jealousy, I know I’m better than them and who’s going to tell me I’m not? I don’t see anything in them, these bums or anybody that I’m tryna be like. Like Oprah can bask in her wealth feel good and protect herself from bums. There’s no bums just sitting up and touching her like it’s ok and like she should like people like them. And God does for them how he does, and loving people and having good vibes is cool but not everybody is like that. And I’m not tryna be cool with these bums ex or current addicts, like this is not my crowd. They’re conversations are ugly and it’s so much better in the world to look at than a mf tryna stand and ‘face you’ just to be in your line of sight or challenge you. I don’t say shit to them, I look at the environment that I’m in. Then I’m like ok maybe it’s someone here, not like me, but do they have their head on straight, do you see better than your current situation, do you have hope and faith beyond what’s in front of you, the type of motivating people that don’t care how everybody’s looking at them they’re full of life and smiles and can scream and shout for God with out that underlying oh just because that’s what people aren’t used to they tone it down, how else will it get done differently ? I’m tied of being around simple minded people. Tired of simple minded people being around me. I’m glad to be free from jail, that’s not my topic of conversation, that’s hurt and pain and not how I lead my life. Most times I’ve been in trouble been because of my reaction off how a bum came and tried me and caused trouble for me most likely because that person was jealous of me.

I grew up in a fast city of crimes and we were homeless for a short time as youth but we never been around people just out right next to them or them in your face just up and able to stand next to you, and you don’t want o be around people like this for long. And notice how they’ll stand around for a period of time and people start showing up or trying to be around you start popping up out of nowhere it’s really strange. People have came up to me while I was sitting on the concrete and just came and stood over me, like I was supposed to notice them or look ‘up’ at them or something. People touching you on the train, and as much violent things that happen in transportation, you sit quiet to not get into a fight but what this person did, violating your space is wrong. And these people be bums and really just have no space in life and they can only move out with other bums cause if you not out here not like no bum less you gotta deal with dirty bums.

So that’s what’s frustrating about it. Over the years I’ve just I just hate homless people, they just trouble, dirty, they’re lazy, and I guess people free funding or tax breaks or whatever they do for the non profits but I don’t feel for that either, because I’ve had people that work at places like that take food from, free food out of my hands. And they treat people like they’re children, animals, something beneath, and I cringe at that. It’s resources out here, but also it’s like going to those places, they’re used to dealing with drug addicts and everybody being half minded or not all the way there and that’s how those people are, and they’re really not at a high place. These people are slaves to their 9-5, people become where they work at, and everybody’s not rich or wealthy. And that being, you can’t expect everybody’s aim to be the same. Everybody tryna fit in and feel like somebody but not everybody doings the work. And people try to categorize, I’m at this church where I’m sleeping at and I’m the only black girl here. So it’s like the white bitches tryna walk by with boots heels on, like she came all the way from the back door just to cross in front of me, and most likely she’s a crackhead meth head but want to feel pretty and seen by everybody, when really it’s me. I got meat on my bones, my brown skin is shining and it’s like they wanna feel next to me, and I don’t feel that way. There wasn’t a reason to come out the back door just to walk in front of me across the grass. You know all that little stuff that’s supposed to look causual when really they’re just mad because I’m not trying to be their friend. Can’t engage with that. And that’s what brings success. See these type of people not talking about success and being greater, all they know is tryna play games. One tryna see you here off this corner and all that. Wanna use innuendos while they talk around you, but get you some headphones, that can’t effect you. Be mindful of what you put or let pass through your mind.

So that’s my rant on being super annoyed by other people. It’s not just ha but people don’t be all the way, they hard to trust, and ain’t no trusting no crackhead. People change I guess but I’m not about to sit up here and care about that when my emotional well being is like vital to my health and because I don’t want to be bothered with just any old body my day is affected. And I have to be careful of that. I don’t talk to anybody, I mean converse really, and I pick and choose who I open up to, and most times people just think they just know, like the guy this morning talking about what he knew of the Bible but couldn’t tell me what the key to the kingdom of heaven was… and it’s like he’s one of those ones that follows anything, wanna be made feel special m, like everybody but it’s like, he said he just do as he told. It’s so annoying. But anyway. In this type of environment there’s no one in it to look up to. There’s no tryna relate to them and they wanna do is feel over you, they know they’re trashy and addicted and wasn’t somebody to feel sorry for them not trying, or wanting to care and they no regards for other people,”. My trying isn’t like they’re trying, so I really don’t care. The issue is having more money in abundance to protect my space and energy from people like them. I don’t like bums. And nobody out on the courtyard reading, but feel like ervybody looking at me… y’all don’t understand.

Sympathy for the Homeless and Have Less

Back in the beginning when homeless was fresh new, myself found itself resting on a concrete block down near skid row. This was still fresh the beginning, so I had a notebook and was journaling like a madwoman. I had this thing where I wanted to keep an archive, a collection of all of my filled journals. Growth, feelings, experiences. Even before I watched Gossip 👧 and Blair had her journal collection, I related to it, but I had always wanted to do that. Difference her was in a princess like treasure, and I was thinking more of a different feel for mine.

So here I am Down near skid row and I was feeling a bit emotionally affected because I had never seen so many tents lined up on the street before. Except that one time when we had moved down south and had a place of our own, we rode past a few bums, but the amount of homeless tents down on skid row, I felt sad for. So this was what I was writing about in my journal. I entitled it California. My first time there. My first time in Los Angeles. I didn’t know what to expect or not to expect.

Ok, so I found some shelters. Didn’t really shower, it was across the street, had to be up certain time in the morning. This was before I tried anything. It was too many ppl anyway, so it wasn’t to hang. I wasn’t trying to smoke a joint with anyone. I tried Ktoo when I didn’t have enough for a cannabis joint. No Id and wasn’t up on the dispensaries yet. At this point I wasn’t having real issues with anyone. Maybe I was going to get discovered. That was for another place in time.

Anyway, I never felt like everyone else, but I also didn’t feel like I the way now towards homeless people. Fucking bums is what they are. I’ve been homeless for five years straight, and now I’m like it’s pure laziness and I don’t feel sorry for no bum. They are annoying and out looking for nothing but trouble. Here I am states and time served later, still my same height, with a harder heart. I wish a bum would not approach me and ask me for no damn aluminum foil. They stand at the bus stops, crowd places outside that’s not there’s. They don’t own shit, and are just in the way. I absolutely hate dirty bums. Just last week a junkie came up to me and was yelling and splashed a whole bottle of water in my face. For no reason. I never said a word. It could have been a knife, maybe he had a gun in his tent, but he’s caped out by the soup kitchen and can’t just make someone move from there. That’s not rational clear thinking. And guess what the police said when they came? Oh, ‘maybe he just wanted to put you in your place, but we can’t just take him to jail’ 🌪

So, I had this on draft today is the 22nd and now I’m sitting in the bathroom at greyhound and it’s like the type of vibes in here it’s already known it’s broke, all these type of ppl want is to be next to me to try and see what type of person I am, am I low and dirty like them, feel like all these eyes on me, like all ppl tryna do is talk about me, these bitches don’t have to pee, they just coming in here, but if anybody had any money nobody would be at greyhound, and it’s like they all subtlety communicating with each other and I’m tryna block them’ out, I hate bums, phone on 9%.

All ppl be tryna do is see what they could try to make u feel low on, ain’t nobody seen me, I got the vibes though. I’m not interested in looking at them or being around them, and I don’t want no bitch next door tryna smell me in the bathroom, when these bitches walking out of here sitting on the seat not washing their hands and a bitch be tryna act like cause she take out some cheap perform or got on some pink nikes at the greyhound station bitch supposed to be doing something. They ain’t talking about shit.

It’s so annoying because I don’t like these types of people. I don’t feel sorry for them, fuck a meth head or any drug attack. They can quote a scripture, that don’t mean ima just like them, these type of people don’t feel me up, I don’t like their energy and I don’t wanna sit around shit like this festering around shit like that. It’s lazy, like jail, mental houses, and shit like that. Trouble.

Even walking down the street to get here why all these tents on the sidewalk like it irritates me, ok cause God loved them, I don’t want these type of fuckers in my face cause it’s annoying, it’s dirty and it stinks!

That’s where I’m at in. My life. I don’t feel sorry for no bums, and all this taking long shit, and waiting on other people who tryna feel like somebody without really grind stone or being nobody, it’s easy for them cause they not shit, I walk into a room ppl be mad by all the attention I draw and all they tryna do is get a reaction a switch, that’s all they about, they try to find a way in to annoy you, if you out here with them,

Do fuck greyhound and I should be out here at my absolute best. Though clothes don’t make me, that’s shit they only understand, and public transportation not saying shit. Like, I’m so over it

Don’t Waste Another Day | What Are You Doing With Your Life?

Coming to the close of another day. Yet the night is newborn alive. As I’m sitting here under an awning, sweating from walking two.one miles, I’m like man, every day costs.

Last night I was reading on articles and empacted by the stories of how people are losing their lives. The two recent stories are sad, but real and it’s like wow, nobody really should be complaining. Life is precious and the grand suggestion is making every moment count for something because death could become real at any moment.

It’s stories like these that make you wonder who could this person have talked to before hand. There’s no erasing that. Instead of moping around really dedicate yourself to voicing who you are. Life is too short for excuses. I used to be shy, I was paranoid about sharing my experiences and my stories and as I’m out here adventuring and homeless, people are telling me stories, but it’s not surprising. And after all of that I’m like wow, how could anyone feel alone?

Currently, I’m out in a city where I’m probably the only black girl. Somewhere like Apache junction where the population is under 50k. It’s bums riding around here, but they’re looking at me like, I’m not homeless or something. Sometimes I forget what color I’m am, I have my shades on anyway.

But I ate today, the library is still open, there are petitions to close them, some shit seems like the twilight zone, like one thing happens and ironically that’s the title of the book but I can’t waste time on if that’s the universe sending me signs. I still have to make this $400 to get my car registered so I can get it out of tow and each day is double twenties. As minor as that sounds, who really has your back out here ? And I have to thank God because really that’s what it’s all about.

Im on a four hour walk tonight and the weather claims… hold on, 60% chance of showers overnight. No complaints but also short on cash, but if I run into a circle k hopefully someone won’t have an issue getting the coffee. I really despise having to ask for little things I want.

The moral of the entry is find your thing and do it. Be good to people, and share how good God has been to you. Even if you don’t think you have a personal relationship with God I promise God cares. Everybody goes through things that seem hard and make you sigh. That doesn’t mean quit. Sure I want my car out and I’m annoyed by paranoia, but you have to check yourself and push through. No blaming and accept responsibility. Find the good and grow off that.

Hey, you’re breathing.

Surviving Homelessness with a Prupose

Just recently released. So currently, I’ve traveled miraculously trying to get documentation to get my car released from impound. It’s been 22 days.

During this process I’ve been a little more anxious than usually and slightly more paranoid. It’s the being outside part. I thought I was hearing things. Like regular ppl saying my name, talking about what I was doing in the bathroom, just straight watching me. Even in jail I was hearing the negative energy trying to penetrate me.

I was wondering why was I hearing my middle name and a city the sergeant mentioned in a paper she printed off for me because she called me in the office wondering why I was yelling when really it the met head in the mental health pod screaming out racial slurs indirectly. And not that I took offense but it’s like these ppl would never say anything to me when I was out, and they stand around waiting for a reason to bump into you, or say something stupid, just to have an encounter.

Not everyone readi this would understand,. If you think you’re one of the 144, 000, then you probably get the vibes, but ppl are drawn to me, and I don’t say anything, and it’s toxic, feeling everybody and their hungry for attention, they wanna be first, seen, in front of me and all this jazz.

So, the whole two weeks I sat, I’m like ok, keep my mind sharp, I’m listening to the convos that float around, not talking to anyone, I didn’t even eat the food or come out of the room, felt like they were trouble, and they were, the guards even buzzed the door open and let other inmates in the cell I was in, with no other guard present, and I’m like the only black girl on the pod, and you’ve seen the movies. I was paranoid for like two nights.

So I get released, thinking oh it’s only gonna be around 150 usd around there, I find my car, walked three plus hours, just all this to go and get my ride. Get there, they’re like oh it’s not registered to you, after they let me in to get all the paperwork and my I’d to grab my things, that was bullshit right there because they let me in to get that, obviously I bought the car and the papers are here, oh it needs to be in the system, legally.

So, they didn’t even give me my ID after that. So it’s all this shit, I’m like ok, something is working against me, doesn’t want me to win, wants to see me walking the streets squirming, all these voices, sounds, and I know I’m not tripping. Haven’t even been smoking. I’m an avid cannabis smoker, but lately just been on ease with everything. Because I bought this car and I worked hard for it, and homelessness is stressful especially being more determined to be away from the energy of it, can’t slow down and feel sorry for everybody, wondering why ppl are looking at you sideways.

And so with voices, I’m saying in my head I’m getting my car out, I’m determined to get my car, I’m hearing opposite. But not loud. I got my car registered today. Despite the sounds against me. So whatever that isn’t doesn’t have power. And another example is from jail because when I thoughts their innuendos were about me, I said ok if that’s true, then slide your info under the door, that’s all I said out loud. Because I was in the room most of the stay, didn’t talk to anyone l, I’m in the room talking out loud to myself. What the name of my boats gonna be and all this. So, I didn’t get any info under the door, like oh could you help me wihh the bail or whatever, … test. Ok, king me.

So it’s really motivating. Can’t be stuck out here if you really want something better for yourself. And you can’t be out here bothered by the negativity or misery of other peoples. Everybody can’t see your visions. And if you find yourself in between times, make sure you making it look sexy. Never dim your light for anybody. Haters want to feel big, they know they’re not important, hurt them more by accomplishing your goals.

Crickets are chirping currrently as I’m camped out by the tags and title office until daybreak. No bums should be over here.

How They Be Treating Black Girls

Tired of this shit. I been out here homeless for four years. Not all in California, I was blessed to be able to travel a few spots around the country, the US of A that is, some may call it floating, but whatever.

The whole homeless process has literally shifted my whole perception. With nothing to do, not knowing what to do, had a lot of time to sit back and observe. It’s conclusive that ppl do the same shit all over. You ever notice the little sly little body language the Mexicans get around other Mexicans, especially when it’s a black person around. I hate how my phone is even capitalizing the word mexican. They have this superiority complex. Even the bums. And it’s so ugly.

They like to start shit, and try and make other people feel bad or lower. Notice where their bodies are turned. Like anybody gives a fuck. They think they’re slick. They try to act sweet with everybody but you can catch them in that game and beat them at it. Like mentioned, and just like anybody, they like to start shit. It’s not like Spanish is some faraway untouchable language that anybody can’t learn. Out here in California if you’re black or even white you’re outnumbered. Find a way to get around that. Learn Spanish. Get a business. This is how they act with the white people to get those food truck licenses and all that shit.

But yeah they be tryna act sweet but it’s a subtle thing going on, they’re against everybody else, they know this. It’s not about if the girls are even pretty, it’s the Mexican part. Even the parents will try and keep their kids from looking at a black person. They’ll try to stand in front of the kid. If the girls ass so happen to be prominent, that’s all she wants to be seen, that’s all, other than that she ain’t shit. They hate for Mexican dudes to be attracted to black girls. Some Mexican dudes try and make them feel better by turning their backs on the black girls. They’ll try to talk over you, play like the sweet ones.

I really fucking hate mexicans and I really wished Trump would’ve been able to deport these motherfuckers. What has a mexican ever did for America ? History don’t have them inventing SHIT that makes this country run round.

They’re a bunch of nasty people. Bitch at the bridge shelter handed me some damn granola bars with dirty ass hands. Mexican, and the bitch works there… They keep having all these damn kids taking all the food stamps and making the housing lists long. Shit, since they take care of each other so much, why is it stupid pregnant Mexican bitches in any shelters ? You can’t try and be ‘that bitch’ ohhh I jus want a cute blanket for my baby’s , sitting up here in a shelter. Trash. Yes, I’m judging.

Sit around a group of Mexicans and be black and see if they don’t try that slick little shit around you. I’m just tired of that shit. It’s stupid and it’s more concentrated out here seem like where more Mexicans are at. But even out in Doraville, Georgia where it’s more of where they live, they try to do that shit. Damn it, let me mention the Asians while I’m right here. They just try to act so damn tough, all that wide stance shit, that shit is so weak. Like really, what message are you trying to send? Because if somebody wanted to get you, they could. Doesn’t matter how far apart you try to stand.

But fuck these Mexicans. Make your money. You try and be kind and love everybody. Even if they’re not. I know it’s frustrating.

Have you ever noticed how they be tryna act though ? How have you dealt with it ?